The stickers only stick if you let them.

Yesterday at our rlife gathering, a question was posed to everyone in our group. The questions was this:

What book, besides the bible, has impacted or influenced you the most?

The questions went around the group and I was the last one to answer. As everyone answered (answers included Purpose Driven Life, The Boyscout Handbook, Die Hard (jamie hall), Bait of Satan and Grace) I was unable to think of just one! I will admit, I am not a BIG reader and a majority of what I DO read is written by Nicholas Sparks, the books my husband has labeled "Devil Books" because they all make me cry. (apparently crying is of the devil!). But out of all the books I have read, I still couldn't narrow my favorite down to just one. So i decided to name them all! So here they are:
- Hinds Feet in High Places- by Hannah Hurdard
- You are Special- by Max Lucado
- The Shack- by William Young
- Secrets of the Secret Place- by Bob Sorge
I am unable to narrow this list down to THE one that has impacted me or influenced me the most. They all have helped me through some of the darkest parts of my life. Everyone spoke to a different part of my heart and my mind. Each of them revealed to me a different part of who God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are.

As I attempted sleep last night I kept thinking about each of these books. Letting myself be reminded once again of what I took away from each of them.

Hinds Feet in High Places: the story of Much-Afraid and her journey through life...her companions being Sorrow and Suffering and she faces places of Pride, Humility, Loneliness, Tribulation, Loss, and on into a place of Healing, Anointing and even getting a new name: Grace and Glory. It is a beautiful allegory of just hard life can sometimes be. But in the end, God's truth remains: He who began a good work is faithful to complete it.

The Shack: an incredible fiction novel that reveals the beautiful relationship between Man and God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit. This book isn't for everyone. I know many who have some trouble accepting this book, but this book was one written for someone like me. It stirred something in me as i read through this book in a matter of days. I have a hard time even putting into words what this book means to me. It taught me about my heavenly "papa" who allows things to happen in my life that aren't always what he has purposed for me, but he uses each and every tear and heartache to point back to his perfect grace and mercy, and best of all, his unconditional love.

Secrets of the Secret Place: I had the extreme privilege of meeting and spending time with the author of this book just days before Norah was born. It was one of those "pinch me i must be dreaming" kind of moments. Bog Sorge is an incredible man and author who's personal journey is one for the history books. This book brings to light the simple truth of where God dwells: The Secret Place. The place that isn't hard to find when you are looking for it. The place where each and everyone of us are invited to but not everyone chooses to go. It is made for the person who isn't necessarily a "reader." It is laid out in a lot of short chapters that can be read one at a time. I highly recommend it.

Last but not least... You are Special: This is a children's book written by Max Lucado that has changed the way I live and think. Every time i read it to my students I fight back tears. I would like to dwell on this book for a moment because this is the one that even now, is changing me.

It is a story about the Wemmicks. the Wemmicks are a group of wooden people who were all carved by the wood carver named Eli. Eli's house sits high up on the hill overlooking the village of the people he created. All they did all day long was give each other stars and dots. Those who looked pretty, could do fun tricks, or sing well all would receive stars. but those whose paint was chipped, said stupid things, or fell a lot were given dots.

One wemmick named Punchinello was given a lot of dots and he felt better when he hung out with other wemmicks with dots. But one day he met another wemmick that didn't have any dots or stars. Her name was Lucia. It's not that people didn't try to give her stickers, its just that the stickers didn't stick. Punchinello wanted to know why she didn't have any marks, and she said "I go and see Eli everyday." and she turned and walked away.

As he thought about this, he realized he didn't like all these marks that people had given him. He didn't want the other wemmicks to mark him with any more dots. So he decided that he was going to go and see Eli.

The next day he climbed the hill to Eli's workshop to visit with Eli. As he walked in, he realized just how small he felt next to the grand size of everything Eli's workshop, so he tried to quietly turn and leave. But then something happened. Eli called his name. He knew his name? Of course he did! He created him! "I've been waiting for you" Eli told him. "for me?" Punchinello asked. "why?" "Because I created you...and you are special"

Punchinello had a very difficult time believing that anyone would really care about him, let alone his maker. But Eli was there. He had been waiting. Eli bent over and picked Punchinello up and said "Looks like you have been given a lot of marks..." Punchinello then asked Eli about Lucia. "Why didn't she have any stars or dots?" The entire book had been leading up to this moment. This is what he said:

"The stickers only stick if you let them."

He went on to tell Punchinello that if he came to see him everyday that he would remind him of HIS love and what HE thought of him. At that moment, Punchinello looked up at Eli and something beautiful happened... Punchinello believed him. And as he turned to leave one of the dots he had been given fell to the ground.

Oh how the simplest of children's stories has set me free. I have come to a beautiful place in my life where I am no longer concerned with what other people think of me. How other people view me. How they view my marriage or my mothering. Because I have realized this: the stickers only stick if you let them. My relationship with my Maker, my relationship with my husband, my relationship with my sweet daughter is just that... mine. I am ok if others want to cast judgement or talk about me behind my back. That may sound harsh, but that is where life has taken me. I've been given a lot of bad marks. I am determined that star nor dot will effect the way I view myself because only one person's opinion matters. "Eli's." The name eli means "high." His thoughts are HIGHer than my thoughts (and the thoughts of others) His ways are HIGHer than my ways (or the ways others tell me I should think or live). His thoughts and his voice need to be the things that matter the most to me. In the past I have let my need to please other people come first. To be liked. To be popular. To have the most friends on facebook. To be preferred over another. It turns out that is not a healthy or fun way to live. So i am choosing to spend time with the Lord ever day. To let him tell me what HE thinks of me. What HE wants me to do. I know there are times when I will let other peoples opinions trump my makers. When those moments come, I pray i lean close enough into the arms of God to hear him say "you've been given a lot of marks...but they only stick if you let them."

Goodness and Mercy shall follow me....

"You don't need strength to let go of something. What you need is understanding" -Guy Finley



Before you continue reading I ask one simple thing: Don't judge me.



Last week something happened that made me question a lot. One event sent me on a emotional and mental spiral that I am still trying to pull myself out of.



I have always battled with fear. It is a flaw in my emotional makeup. But the moment I found out that I was going to be a mother, a whole new list of fears etched itself into my mind and worry made itself at home in my heart.



Fears such as:

will i lose this baby?

will there be something seriously wrong?

will labor be unbearable? :)

will my doctor be there to deliver?

will I go into labor while driving, or teaching, or God forbid while leading worship? ( this was my silliest and most selfish of the fears)



and the list went on. But April 26th came. Norah arrived. I didn't lose her. She was given a complete bill of health. Labor was...bearable... :) My doctor wasn't there, but she was born anyway! I went into labor in the safety and the quietness of my own home with my husband safely beside me and he was the greatest birthing coach the world has ever seen.



but the moment she was born, the previous list was erased and a new one quickly took it's place. This list was significantly longer and seemed much more urgent and in need of great attention.



what if she stops breathing?

what if she won't eat?

what if she is diagnosed with a fatal disease?

what if i drop her?

what if i lock her in the car and can't get her out?

what if i fall down the stairs while holding her?

what if i can't get her to stop crying?

what if someone takes her?

what if she doesn't like me?

what if I'm a bad mom?

what if? what if? WHAT IF?



they ring in my ear every second of the day! most of the time they are drowned out by Norah's laughter.... or cries :). other times they are silenced by Denis whispering in my ear "you're an incredible mom" Other times they just don't matter because life is asking me to live it and live it to it's fullest potential. Fear and worry are not meant to be life's companions.



but last week... i faced one of those fears. looked at it dead in the face and it paralyzed me.



I locked Norah in the car. I still don't know exactly HOW it happened...but it happened none the less.



I walked outside (of my house) with Norah, purse and diaper bag in tow, and I pulled out my keys and pressed the unlock button. I walked over the passenger side and pulled open the passenger door, threw my purse on the seat and the keys into the drivers seat. Then i shut the door. I then preceded to open up the door to the back seat, put Norah's bag on the floor and set her inside. Shut the door. I walked around to my door and pulled the handle. Locked. Tried the back seat. Locked. Panic. Walked around to Norah's door. Locked. Passenger side.... locked. Paralyzed. Then I heard the screams. Not from Norah...they were my own. "no...no...no..no" after the shock wore off I turned and ran back into the house. I was sobbing. Denis jumped up from the couch (the fastest I've ever seen him move) and looked at me waiting for an explanation of my panic. "she's in the car. she's locked in the car. i can't get her out of the car!" He took a deep breath, found his key to my car, gave it to me and I ran out to the car to unlock the door. Norah was peacefully chewing on her blanket as her mother was losing her mind. As soon as the door was locked my dam of emotions broke. I cried like i don't ever remember crying before. Denis held me and calmly reminded me that we were all ok. Norah was ok.



Once I wiped away my tears and took a million deep breaths, I assured Denis I was able to drive and that I needed to go.

On that drive I was immediately transported back a few months to a conversation i had with some of my favorite ladies. My Amy (yes I said my Amy...she's mine) :) and i were walking down Park Ave. on our way to grab coffee with my Carrie and my Ashley :). She was telling me about a post that Bethany Chase had written on her blog of when she too went through a traumatic event as a mother. I remember the girls and I having a conversation about what we would do if tragedy struck our family. What if something happened to our babies? What if something happened to our husbands? Where would that leave the status of our hearts towards our Maker? It was after remembering that conversation that right there in my car, with Norah still peacefully unaware of my fear-come-reality moment, that I started giving God ultimatums. "If you take Norah from me then I'll.... If you take Denis from me then I'll.... If you take my parents or siblings from me then I'll...." I was never able to finish any of those sentences... but I felt like I was getting my point across. "God...You know I would be unable to go on living if you ever took one of them from me." Then right there, I felt the slightest yet most urgent nudge from the Lord reminding me of this one thing. "They don't belong to you."

This silenced me.

It isn't my job to protect Norah. It is my job to trust in the One who can. And I will gladly be His hands and feet in order to successfully keep Norah safe while we live life side by side.

God NEVER promised me that He wouldn't give me more than I can handle. But He did promise that Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. I will rest in that and pray that this, above all, will silence my fears and replace them with peace.

I know I am not perfect. I am hopelessly flawed. But I will remain constantly aware that the name of the Lord is a strong tower...the righteous run into it...and they are safe.

oh... and i will also remain constantly aware of where my keys are :)

Growing up so fast

I am unable to stop taking this little girls picture.... I think one of these days Denis is going to hide my camera so I can give this little girl a break. Here are just a few of the pictures I took tonight...just for fun :)

The Life of Norah

Norah Kathleen Johnson

Born on April 26, 2010 at 1:02 am. She weighed 7.1 lbs and measured 20.5 inches. In a matter of moments, our family was complete (for now....). She was perfect. Captured our hearts with just one look.

Bringing her home from the hospital was one of the scariest moments of my life. What if something happened...what if i couldn't do it...what if...what if...WHAT IF!? I soon decided to stop worrying about what COULD happen, and take things a day at a time... sometimes even just a moment at a time.

Soon we found our rhythm. We had a few rough patches though. She dealt with bad trapped gas for a few days, as well as getting her days and nights mixed up. Once we made it through past those few hurdles, she became a content and happy baby. (she still doesn't like to poop. it makes her real mad!)

It is hard to ever put into words just how deep of a love you have for your very own. I've heard it said that having a child is like having your heart outside of your chest... and that is exactly how being a mother feels. This tender, fragile, vital piece of you suddenly exposed to the scariness of this world. Everything i do, i do differently... Everything i feel, I feel differently. Suddenly life is lived in a drastically different way. Suddenly things that mattered before, don't matter as much.

I have even found that my love for Denis is so different. I feel like the moment that Norah was born that a piece of our hearts opened up. A piece that had been locked up and saved for that very moment. And suddenly there was a piece of him that I could fall in love with that no one had ever had the chance to love. It was one of the most intense feelings i have ever felt. It was like falling in love all over again.

Harmony is now not just my niece... she is my daughter's cousin. I love the way she asks to see her and to hold her and to "make her happy." She is so curious about this little person, yet doesn't understand why she can't get up and play on the playground with her. She is going to make a FANTASTIC big sister because she is already the greatest cousin.

Her personality is already starting to show. She is so expressive and already seems to want to grow up so fast. She is holding up her head so well and is my little mover and grover! if she is awake, she is moving! I'm so not ready for her to be mobile!

I hate to say it, but she is daddy's little girl. When she hears his voice, she immediately stops what she is doing (which isn't much...either eating or playing) and tries to locate his voice. She loves when he tickles her with his hair or kisses her cheeks. I too stop what I am doing to watch their interactions. I've been dreaming of these moments for so long that I want to soak in every moment. I've heard that go by so quickly.

We now wake up to her giggles in the morning. She lays in her crib and just laughs at herself. She usually doesn't seem to be in any rush to be taken out. But it is so hard not to! I go in there and scoop her up and snuggle her. Mornings are my favorite with her. I am going to miss them when i go back to working early mornings.

My baby girl is almost 10 weeks old. Just one year ago she was a prayer in my heart, and now she is my heart. I love you Norah. Mommy loves you so much....

FAQ's

*insert apology for it taking me this long to blog again...i've been a little busy :)

Now that that's out of the way

It is so strange to read my last post seeing how it was only hours after that i went into labor! Crazy. seriously crazy looking back and reading how my life was when i was pregnant. all the fears and anxiety i had leading up to labor suddenly seems to small and silly. i won't bore you all with all the details of my labor and how these last 8 weeks have treated me, instead i will post the answers to my most frequently asked questions and hope that gives you a snapshot to life with Norah "Kate".

How long was your labor?
- 49 hrs. (need i say more)

Did labor hurt?
- yes. yes it did.

Did you get drugs?
You bet i did. practically begged for them. wouldn't you after 40 hours of labor?

Did your epidural take?
yes, but only on my right side. i had to lay on my left side in order for the pain to subside. it was magical.

Did you deliver naturally or C-Section?
Naturally- pushed for just over 20 minutes. (she was apparently FINALLY in a rush to show her face. wished she had felt that way about 30 HOURS SOONER!) but i will admit, i did ask for a c-section because i was so scared to push.

Who was in the room?
Denis, my mom and my mother-in-law. Allison and Rachel joined us as soon as Norah arrived. It was perfect. Then soon after those that were waiting all night (thanks for sticking around friends!) came in to meet Norah. It was perfectly perfect. Only a few people i wish could have been there. I would have loved for John, Pierre, Marlize, Matt, Josh and my Dad to be there. Oh, and i wish my doctor could have delivered Norah. but he had a family emergency to tend to...so we'll forgive him :)

What was your first reaction when she was born?
i squealed like a little girl. i screamed "MY BABY! THAT'S MY BABY!" and pretty much begged them to let me see her. Then the first thing i said to her was: "Hi! you look just like your ultrasound picture!!!" (wish it was something a little bit more sentimental, but that's just what came blurting out!)

Do you love being a mom?
Yes. Absolutely. Best thing ever. i don't know how i ever lived life without her.... didn't think i could love THAT much so quickly. I devote my life to protecting her life and her heart.

Has it been hard?
yes. it has had it's really challenging moments. I echo Amy in saying that it draws out your deepest fears and insecurities. I constantly second guess myself and my parental decisions. I thought i knew how to be a mom...but boy was i wrong. everything you think you know goes out the door when it is your own child. Someone else's child crying doesn't bother me, but if my baby cries for even a second, it paralyzes me...but i will admit, it gets easier everyday.

What has been your favorite part about being a mom?
I don't think it is possible to choose a moment or a specific part. I love being a family of 3. Just when i thought i couldn't love my husband anymore, he became the father to my baby. It was like falling in love all over again. My heart would skip a beat when he pulled into the driveway. I love our cuddle time as a family. I love watching him hold her and kiss her and call her "woman" when she is demanding to eat NOW. I love the way she smiles at him and giggles when his hair tickles her skin. It's the little things i love the most...

Are you breast feeding?
I was. I did for the first 5 weeks before she went onto formula. Then we did both for a while. Now it is just formula. It's just what works for us. I miss it though.

Is she sleeping through the night?
She normally wakes only once in the middle of the night to eat, then again early morning. I take the middle of the night and denis takes the early morning shift. But i am excited to say that she slept for 8 HOURS STRAIGHT last night! Trying not to get my hopes up that it will keep happening that way, but it was exciting. But boy was she hungry this morning. She was letting out cries and yells like i had never heard while Denis was getting her bottle ready. I heard him walk into her room and say "woman, calm yourself down." i giggled to myself and then rolled over and went back to sleep. I have a great husband.

Is she a good baby?
The best :)

Are you back to work?
Yes. I went back to work on the 7th, but only part time. i don't start full time until next week. it has been a great way to transition slowly back to work. But i have missed it...i will admit that.

Where does Norah go while you are at work?
She goes right up stairs to daycare. I love that she is in the same building as me. I visit her often. More often then i think i should. and when i can't get up to visit her, i send mattie to check on her. i'm THAT mom. not ashamed of it either :)

Are you back to singing at church?
Yep and LOVING it. My mother in law watches her for the morning. She was been an incredible help! Very thankful for her.

Do you miss being pregnant?
desperately...may sound weird, but i just LOVED being pregnant. I get a little emotional when i see woman who are pregnant. On a side note, i can't WAIT until Rachel is about 8 month and i get to torture her the way she tortured me while i was pregnant. watch out rosie :)

When will you start trying to have another?
That's for Denis and I to decide :)

If i didn't answer any questions that you might have, go ahead and ask, i'll do my best to answer them.

Home Stretch

So here I am... in the home stretch. As each day passes and we get closer and closer to Norah's due date, I grow more and more excited to meet my daughter. I will be honest though, I grow more and more scared as well. Not just scared of labor and the pain it is sure to bring, but of the uncertainty of motherhood. I keep reminding myself that I only need to take things a day at a time. I also find extreme comfort in knowing that I am surrounded by people who love me and are ready to help me find my way though this brand new world I am about to enter. Denis and I are beyond excited to welcome Norah into the world. Even now as I type, i am sitting only an arms length away from her baby swing. I find myself just sitting next to it and daydreaming about her being snug inside taking in the world. Her nursery is finally finished and it is all I ever hoped it would be. When we first found out we were pregnant we looked at all the baby stores and just couldn't find a nursery style we both liked. So we decided that we would just take to designing our own! Before we even new she was a she we new exactly what colors we wanted: red, orange, yellow and green. If we had found out she was actually a he, we were going to decorate in stripes and dots, but for a girl we would do flowers. Soon after we knew we were carrying a girl I went to Pier 1 and found 3 flower paintings. I knew this is how i wanted to decorate her nursery. So we went from there. My mom and I chose all the fabric and chose a quilt design. This room would have never come together if it hadn't been for my mother. She made the quilt and the roman shades. I will be sure Norah knows just how much work her Grammie put into her first room. Rachel played a huge part in the nursery coming together as well. She and Mattie painted the room, and she was my master organizer! Here are just a few pictures of her room.

Tomorrow I am officially 40 weeks pregnant....April 24th is my official due date. I am 90% positive that I will see tomorrow come and go from the luxury of my own home :) But there is always hope that she will come right on time! I have LOVED being pregnant. I am really going to miss it... I love watching her move, and feeling her hiccups, and listening to hear heart beat. I know the last time that I wrote about my pregnancy I gave you an update on how my first two trimesters went. Here is a little snap shot at the last 10 weeks or so.
-This is me at 38 weeks. She has sat quite high my entire pregnancy...and much to my dismay is still doing so. Come on Norah, drop already!

Food Cravings:

- Apples and Cheese! It is my FAVORITE snack...and sometimes meal :)

- Ice. I find myself at night filling a glass with ice, adding a little bit of water... but really all i want is the ice. I know it is terrible for your teeth, but i just love it. I am pretty sure it drives Denis crazy when i do it, but he never says anything! :) So i will continue to feed my habit.

- Cheerios. I have Honey Nut Cheerios every morning. It is a wonderful way to start my day.

The Up side of this trimester:

- No more sucking in my gut :) plain and simple. Maybe other woman will understand this... maybe I'm just weird.

- Bath's. I guess i could have taken a bath anytime before now, but i never had an interest. Now i find myself NEEDING one every night. I told Denis i think it is all a mind game. But i just done care :)

- I love the way Denis cares for me. Sometimes he gets a little crazy on me, like when it is midnight and i am folding laundry and trying to clean. He gets quite stern with me and uses his daddy voice. Norah is in for it.

- Nesting! My house has never been so clean. I have cleaned floors on my hands and knees. My mom and sister graciously attacked my basement and turned a very scary place into a delightful space. Dishes are always done. Laundry is being kept up with. Floors are vacuumed. Closets are organized. It is a beautiful thing. Does this go away? I sort of hope it doesn't. I don't mind these cleaning urges at all... I guess i could just be better at cleaning if these nesting urges go away... we'll see how it goes. :)

- I love being a part of this miracle. I thank God everyday for choosing me to be Norah's mommy. I pray i never take it for granted.

- Being able to go through all this with Rachel. I missed so much of her pregnancy with Harmony. To be able to walk through these past 9 months with my best friend has been indescribable. I can't wait to spoil her as much as she has spoiled me. I pray Norah (Dora) and Harmony will be best friends too.

The "down" side of this Trimester:

- Being diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes... As if the tests aren't bad enough, the diet that follows is worse. I have had to give up Pizza, sweets, Mountain Dew, bread, pasta and juice. I have found the foods I can eat that don't effect my blood sugar too much, but eating those same foods over and over again gets pretty boring! I find myself needing to "cheat" every once and a while just to treat myself, but I still make sure that it isn't making my sugar go nuts. I think the worst part of it all is testing my blood sugar 4 times a day. It got real old real fast. I can't wait till i can stop pricking myself! Lame.

- I have always been a belly sleeper, so having this huge belly has become pretty inconvenient! I wake up each night with a lot of hip pain. I toss and turn all night trying to give my hips a rest. When I get out of bed each morning, it takes everything in me to be able to walk to the bathroom. But i am thankful that i haven't had any back pain or leg cramps. But I dream about the day i can lay on my stomach again!

- waiting. enough said.

Final Thoughts:

- As anxious as I am to meet my sweet girl (and to get labor over with), I have become completely content in knowing that the Lord knows. He knows the perfect day and the precise moment she will show her face. He has prepared me for this moment and will give me the grace to walk the journey it will take to get her here. At some point in time in this next week, Denis and I become a family of 3. Denis, Rebecca and Norah Johnson. Seeing it in writing is makes my heart leap.

Here's hoping that the next time i post, it is all things Norah Kathleen Johnson :)

stream of consciousness

It's all the rage! Both Amy and Rachel have recently posted their "stream of consciousness" and I found them both quite to be quite enlightening, not to mention very raw and honest. I'm feeling in the mood to be just that.

Denis spoke a few months ago at church and gave a statistic that you can talk up to 1500 words a minute in your head. I have no doubt that there have been days where i have exceeded that statistic. I find that i can't seem to shut my brain off at night. I run through the happenings of the day, pick apart my decisions, think about my schedule for the next day. But all roads always lead to the same thing....being a mom. I think about what labor will be like. Will i be in labor long? How bad will it hurt? I think about what is the worst physical pain I have ever been in and i honestly cannot remember a time where i was in excruciating physical pain. So basically i have nothing to compare it to. That makes me freak out just a tad... I am not good at handling pain. Emotional or physical. so....labor should be interesting. I also lay awake thinking about what she will look like. From our last ultrasound, she looks just like her daddy. So now i think "I hope she has darker skin...i hope she doesn't stay creamy white like her mom but have these dominate black features. Will i be able to do her hair? Will it be straight like mine, or curly like Denis? I spend HOURS thinking about her. I usually don't mind being consumed with thoughts about her until my alarm goes off and i have had less than 4 hrs of sleep. That puts a damper on my day. Then i feel her kick and the world seems tolerable again.

I took my 3 hr glucose test today. The not eating part wasn't so bad cause i had in my head that i only have to go 12 hrs. Most of that time was spend sleeping anyway. Then i realized that not only did i have to go 12 hrs, but then i had to go 3 more hrs and the only thing i had in my stomach was sugar. By the 3rd hour i was incredibly light headed and very sleepy. I couldn't read, i couldn't look at my computer screen, i couldn't text anyone, my eyes just wouldn't focus. So i called my mom to pass the time, then i called Rachel to see if she would come and drive me back. Didn't think it was smart to get behind the wheel while feeling that way. More for Norah's sake than mine. Where did i go once the test was over? Marks Pizzeria. I downed a slice with a Mountain Dew. Lets pray i pass :)

I have my first baby shower this weekend. I am really excited about it! This shower is being thrown by my mother in law. She is so excited about being a grandmother. I really couldn't ask for better in laws. I simply adore them and i am so excited to be making them grandparents. My father in law has been a big pile of mush for about 8 months now. I think it is simply adorable. I am so thankful both sets of Norah's grandparents live so close. My Grammie and Poppie lived so far away growing up and that was always so hard. So i am glad Norah will have all 4 of them so close by.

Stretch marks have found themselves quite at home on my belly as of late. Only had two up until last week. That is definitely no longer the case. Might as well give all my bikini's to good will now.

I hate when Rachel keeps secrets. She and Christy are making me crazy. All their secret text and secret plans and secret code words are giving me high blood pressure. I figure the shower is really for Norah, so i promise not to tell her anything. Deal?

We have birthing classes on Thursday nights. The other day denis and i were discussing "the big day" and i told him i think i want him to sit behind me while i push. That way he can help me with my back support and plus it would be nice to lean back on him when i'm not pushing. Also, that keeps him a good distance away from what is happening "down there" which is what he prefers. So we discussed this option and he decided it would be incredibly sensitive to say "But won't i get hot and uncomfortable back there?" Really?!?!?!? HE is worried about being hot and uncomfortable. I just stared at him. There was nothing to say in that moment. Pretty sure everything i could say was already written all over my face. Don't worry dear, I'll get you ice chips if you get hot.

Now that i have bashed him, i must say that he is quite the dad already. He has been a very involved dad and husband for this entire pregnancy. He researched everything before we registered. He is the one who gets the emails from "what to expect.com" and he has helped make every decision about how her room will look, who our doctor will be, what hospital we would deliver at, and he also keeps asking me to take maternity pictures. He talks to Norah all the time now. When i get out of bed he says "good morning" and i say "good morning babe" and he'll say " i wasn't talking to you." I am always reminding him that he loved me first and that i will always be his first baby girl. I love that man so much. I can't wait until the moment Norah is placed in his arms. A memory i'm sure i will always keep close.

John Keller might be the most ridiculous Facebook user ever. When i'm on the computer denis always asks "what are you smiling at" My answer is almost always "john." Denis finds great amusement in his status updates as well. We often find ourselves asking "did you see what john wrote?" Absolute entertainment.

Harmony thinks my daughter's name is Dora. And apparently boots is up in there somewhere too. I joke that when Harmony meets her for the first time she will say "HOLA!" I love that little girl so much.

7 1/2 weeks to go. No turning back now. Not that i want to :) I can't wait to kiss my sweet girls face.

Babymoon

Denis and I decided about a month ago that we needed one last trip away, just the two of us, before our family of 2 becomes a family of 3. We debated on going someplace warm or some place we had never been before (Boston being at the top of our list), but we decided that we would go some place we LOVE to visit. Skaneateles NY. We have gone there once a year for the past 3 years. We know our way around, we know what we like, and we know we won't know anyone! (well...this time we did, but that has never happened before).

Here is a little overview of our Babymoon:

Day One:

Monday we spent most of our day at home since we couldn't check into our room until 3. We spent a few hours cleaning the house from top to bottom. i am kinda OCD when it comes to coming back to a clean house after a vacation. So once the house was clean, we packed the car and with huge smiles on our face, we left for vacation. For the first few miles we kept turning to each other to say "we're on vacation!" We were just a tad bit excited to be away. Once we arrived we unpacked and ordered in dinner. We sat by the fire and ate, talked and laughed. I knew right then it was going to be a great week.

Day Two:

We "slept in" ( i used to be able to sleep till noon and not even bat an eyelash about it, now anything past 8 is sleeping in). We had decided before we arrived that we weren't going to plan anything. We were just going to do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, even if that meant laying around in our room the entire day. This day we went to the coffee shop/bookstore that was just down the street. We had a great lunch then walked around the bookstore looking for a book denis wanted...no luck. We went back to our room, napped then woke up to go to our favorite restaurant, Rosalie's. It is an Italian place owned by the same people as Macaroni Grill. We eat here every time we are in town. It's that good. Afterwards we headed over to Mirbeau (a resort and spa) for our annual massages. I, of course, had a pre-natal massage. It was HEAVEN. For the first half and hour i was able to lay on my stomach. That was pampering enough for me! Another great day.

Day Three:

Slept in again :) We originally thought we would drive to Auburn to do some historical site seeing, but after being lazy all morning, we decided to just walk around Skaneateles to our "usual" spots. That evening we did drive to Auburn to see a movie. We really wanted to see Sherlock Homes, so we saw that Auburn had 2 theaters, we chose the theater based on the time of the show. So we headed out to the mall where the theater was. We got a little lost so we were about 5 min late for our show. We rushed in thinking we were only missing previews. We walked up to the ticket counter and asked for 2 tickets, to which she replied "sorry, we can't start the movie 5 minutes past the showtime." This really confused us, we didn't want her to start the movie over, we were ok with missing a little. Come to find out, no one showed up for the show so they wouldn't start it at all for us. So she told us we would have to go to the MoviePlex to catch the movie. We had time to drive there, so we ventured back out kinda disappointed that we were now seeing a really late show. But we figured we didn't have to get up for anything the next morning, so why not. Once we finally found the place, we walked up to the ticket counter and asked the young lady for 2 tickets. After paying we walked around the booth where the SAME girl tore our tickets. We walked up to the snack bar where the SAME girl served us our snacks...already a bit strange... then when we walked into our theater, we were the ONLY ones there. My first thought: this is where i am going to die. the only person who knows we are here is the girl at the counter(s). I looked over my shoulder the whole movie, even though eventually one other couple came in. I was still just a tad paranoid. But we lived :) PTL

Day Four:

Our last day in paradise. i took my final bath ( i took 7 total...loved our jacuzzi tub...) then we packed back up our car and drove back home. I fought a little bit of depression, but we had our ultrasound scheduled for 4:30, so that made things a little better! A friend of ours from church is an ultrasound tech and offered to give us an ultrasound anytime we wanted. We most definitely took her up on this offer so we could get one last peek at our little girl before we would be holding her! We were there for an hour and a half staring at her little face! BTW from the 3D pictures of her...she looks just like her daddy! Same nose and lips. Chubby little cheeks. Already has some hair. She is about 3 lbs and about 15 inches long. I couldn't get enough of her. We even have the whole thing on video. Our friend printed like 50 pictures of her! They say you have the most pictures of your first born. I am starting to believe that is very true. I love her so much. She is moving so much now. Sometimes it is slightly painful. But Denis said that even though at times it is uncomfortable for me or it may cause slight pain, that every time i tell him that she moved he thanks God. So keep movin' girlie. Mommy and Daddy LOVE you.

Day 5:

We had a doctors appointment in the AM, and found out that baby is doing great, but that i failed my glucose test with FLYING colors. So off to the three hour torture fest. BLAH. Pray i pass. I can't give up my white bread :) That afternoon we headed down to Corning to meet my big sister for dinner. We were playing at a Baptist Youth Retreat with Christopher Hopper down near her so we really wanted to see here since she was so close. Always love spending time with my family. Then off to the retreat center. What i loved the most about being there was being with the band. They are some of my favorite people to talk to, laugh with, and sing with. We spent all Saturday morning by the fire just talking about life. Getting parenting advise, joking around and snuggling with my future son-in-law (Judah Hopper).

I wouldn't even hesitate in saying that this was the best vacation we have ever taken. I am more in love with Denis now that i ever have been. I can't wait to share the rest of my life with him and norah (and with however many more children we are blessed with). I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. One day left of our vacation: Valentines Day. Perfect way to end a perfect week.

Here are a few pics from our trip.

Pregnancy Update

Looking down at my desk and seeing my calendar read "FEBRUARY" kind of freaks me out a bit! Where is the time going? January was a jam packed month filled joy, laughter, tears and pain. Highlights included the birth of Grace Makenah and Lily Sue, as well as our church's One Thing week. Denis and I also brought in the New Year in Watertown NY with the Christopher Hopper Band. We spent new years eve in a quite dorm room talking about what 2010 will bring, while watching TD Jakes online :) What may sound boring and lame, was actually the best new years eve. Just me, Denis and Norah. (and TD Jakes!)

Seeing how time is just flying by i thought i would give a little bit of a pregnancy update cause before i know it, she will be here! Don't think there will be much time for blogging once our little one arrives. (but I'll do my best, mom)

Here is an overview of being a human slow cooker for the past 7 months:

First Trimester:

How i told denis: To make a long story short...it was a Sunday and i was really sick. just didn't feel right all day and ended up throwing up in the evening while Denis was out with Larry for dinner. I asked him to come home since i didn't like being alone when i was sick. He walked in the door and asked me to take a pregnancy test. I refused. I was so sick of taking them and i didn't have any in the house anyway (purposely). I tried convincing him i just had a little bug and that i all i needed was soup and Gatorade. So he drove to the store, picked up soup, Gatorade and SIX pregnancy tests. There was no convincing this man otherwise, so against my will, i peed on those ridiculously expensive sticks! :) I put it on the window sill while i washed my hands. When i picked it back up just 60 seconds later and there were 2 bright pink lines. First reaction= freak out. i thought "i have to push this thing out!" second reaction= pure joy. a feeling i can't describe. Third reaction= dang it, i have to go in there and tell denis he was right. And that is just what i did. I walked into the living room where denis was listening to Stevie Wonder (so fitting)...he looked up and smiled (like he just knew) and i told him he was going to be a dad. He FREAKED and started saying "i knew it!" I crawled up on his lap and we just held each other. I wish i could have frozen that moment in time. We laid around on the couch the rest of the evening dreaming about our little baby.
Her first Nickname: Olive-- given by Rachel, Christy and then again by Meghan Moody. The reason behind the name, because she was only the size of an olive when we started telling people we were expecting. I loved it, Denis hated it. Never once called her Olive.
Favorite Food: nothing. absolutely nothing. i lost all sense of hunger and eating was a form of torture. I would cry at the thought of it.
Favorite memory: Seeing her for the first time. We had our first ultrasound at 10 weeks. Seeing her little self up on that screen was breath taking. watching her move....wow. i still am in awe of it all.
Least favorite memory: having to sleep downstairs for a month because the upstairs of our apartment made me sick...sounds weird...but it was true. and my incredible hubby slept next to me on our lounge just so he could be in the same room as me!
Things i avoided: The smell of coffee and anything from a cow (besides milk...which i drank ALL the time...) Both made me gag until i threw up. And of course, coffee and steak are 2 of denis's favorite things. I am so thankful for an understanding husband.
Hardest part: Having "night" sickness. I was fine all day. I was sick from 6pm to 7am.... like clockwork... but i did help that i wasn't sick at work or church. so that was a perk.

Second Trimester:

My first trimester i had convinced myself that i would never get pregnant again. My doctor promised me that i would start feeling better by week 14. I prayed he was right.

he was. at 14 weeks and 1 day, everything changed. Life was easier. Sleeping was possible. eating was...well...i never did regain my hunger, but when i had to eat, it was easier.
Favorite food: Pizza. (but that was no different than the last 28 years of my life) I also loved Raisin Bran. I would eat it every night for dinner.
Favorite Memory: Finding out she was a "she." Leading up to our ultrasound i was starting to get second thoughts about finding out. i just wasn't sure i wanted to know. But denis NEEDED to know (he is the planner of our family. he read all the books, got the weekly updates and researched everything before we registered..not your normal dad!). She didn't cooperate very well at our ultrasound. it look our tech a while to figure the sex out since she had her little lets tightly crossed. My little lady :) But when she said GIRL...my eyes filled with tears and i just stared at Denis trying to get a read on him. "i have a daughter" is all he said. it was all he needed to say. love him. I would also have to say that feeling her move is at the top of my favorites list. Now that she is bigger, it feels so incredibly crazy. but i still love it so much. Denis said i won't be saying that when i am 38 weeks pregnant and trying to sleep.
Least favorite memory: All the worrying. i shut down before every dr's appointment cause i was sure i would go in and get bad news. but with every visit the good reports kept coming. now i actually look forward to seeing the dr. (who we LOVE...we our dr. specifically so we could deliver at Unity. He is awesome. Denis and I are so pleased...).
Things I avoided: people's birthing stories. for me, ignorance is bliss. I keep telling myself that my body knows what to do, and my doctor knows what to do....there are only a few people i have asked... and even then, i don't go for the whole story. Amy has told me the most and i only pray i am as strong as she was through it all. I will have Denis take pointers from someone besides John though :) JUST KIDDING JOHN! (Arby's)
Hardest Part: having people ask me if this is my first....never quite sure how to answer that...

Third Trimester:

I have only been in my third trimester for a week now. That is still freaking me out a bit. I was telling Amy the other day that i am going to miss being pregnant. It is something i have grown to LOVE. The only time i feel "bothered" by it is when i want to sleep on my belly. There are so many pillow in our bed now that i have a hard time knowing if denis is even in the bed with me... So we try to have time each night without the pillows so it isn't like we are sleeping alone. It doesn't help that the man needs his own body pillow as well. aka: the mistress.

Things i am looking forward to:
My baby showers
Birthing classes
Our next ultrasound appointment
Getting her room ready
Kissing her little face.
Watching Denis hold her for the first time.
Being a mom

That's where I'm at. 29 weeks pregnant. Monday we leave for our "Babymoon." Our last trip just the two of us.....even though technically she is with us. She is just really easy to handle right now. :)

Christmas Vacation 2009

This year we decided that instead of using our Christmas budget to buy a bunch of presents, that we would instead all pool our money and rent a cabin and go away as a family for a few days. We are coming to the end of our stay, and i must say that this was one of the best decisions that we have ever made as a family! It has been completely relaxing and we have made some wonderful memories as a family.

in honor of the Christmas season, i will share "a few of my favorite things" about our Christmas.

My favorite moment:
watching Denis with harmony. i love the way she just adores him and calls for him when he leaves a room. she would climb the stairs each morning to go and wake him up.

My favorite Christmas present:
A new vacuum cleaner!!!!!!!!! lame i know...but i am super excited about it.

My favorite meal:
Fried turkey and mac and cheese. so delicious. so incredibly delicious.

My favorite competitive event:
Playing Wii. on the game Wii Play, there is a shooting game similar to "duck hunt" (for those of you who remember that Nintendo game) We played it over and over and over again. the only person i couldn't beat was Rachel. but i think she was cheating.

My favorite holiday dessert:
My mom's classic peanut butter cookies topped with a Hersey kiss. definitely had some for breakfast. i am positive that i gained the weight my doctor insisted i gain in just these past 48 hrs.

My favorite decision:
Allowing time for the things that are most important. i have barely touched my phone or my computer since we arrived. Posting pics on facebook and writing this blog has been the extent of my social networking. plan on keeping this up throughout the week.

Here is a belly pic of me on Christmas day at almost 23 weeks. i have only taken 2 belly pics, so i don't have much to compare myself too. I have definitely noticed this week just how much different i feel. breathing is getting harder, walking up and down stairs leaves me incredibly short of breath, sleeping is getting increasingly more uncomfortable, and i have found i am carrying low so shirts are starting to ride up and show my belly. Denis and i are going to stop at the waterloo outlets on the way to watertown to see if i can find a few more tops to get me through these next few months! Our next stop is Watertown for the week. We are recording a live album with Christopher Hopper. I am looking forward to spending time with some of my favorite people. My biggest fear right now.... Amy going into labor while I'm away. I can't wait to meet Baby Keller! (aka: little bean)

"You make all things new..."

6 months...it has been 6 months since i last posted...and what a six months that has been. There is no way i am even going to try to fill you in on the craziness of life. I can only sum it up in the simple lyrics of my life's song:

"You make all things new, and I will follow you forward."

That is basically where i am at. Moving forward. Plain and simple...not always easy, but none the less, what needs to be done.

Another line of the same songs says this:

"You have risen, with all power in your hands. You have given me a second chance..."

This past years highest high and lowest low wrapped up in a simple phase. Most of my blog followers know that this past year Denis and I lost our first baby. I can't believe that at this time last year i was pregnant and didn't even know it. I carried the baby for 6 weeks before losing our first little life that was given to us for such a short time. But the power of life and death are held only by the Father's hand. In hinds sight, i know now that our first baby had a life and a purpose, and it fulfilled his or her purpose before God took them home. Save in the arms of love. We miss him/her everyday, but we know that their little life changed ours forever. And that is what i cling to.

But as i said before, our God is a God of second chances. We found out in mid-august that we were pregnant again! It has been a wild ride, but i am happy to say that we are almost 22 weeks along and our Doctor has said time and time again that she is PERFECT! Growing perfectly, developing perfectly, and a perfect little beating heart. Hearing the sound of that little heart beating practically takes my breath away. One of the greatest sounds i have ever heard.

We found out the day before Thanksgiving that we are expecting a little girl! We almost didn't find out cause she had her legs tightly crossed and wasn't budging. But our incredible ultrasound tech worked her magic to confirm my "gut feeling" that i was carrying our little Nora(h) Kathleen! It is crazy how much i love her already. I started feeling her right at 20 weeks. It felt like being on a roller coaster at first, now it is kicks. When she gets going, she gives it to me. Denis hasn't been able to feel the kicks yet, but Rach swears she did! Right Rach!?

I promised my mom that i would keep this thing updated so she can have another way of stalking her second grand daughter :) So i am going to try and do my best! Here is a picture of our growing girl!

New Look

New look for me and my blog. :)

Headed to Jamaica on monday!!!!! pictures and stories of our vacation to be posted soon!

John Keller... roasted

For all you "Office" lovers out there :)

the other night, The Kellers, The Shipmans, and well... A Johnson all got together for another little get together. It was a nice of laughs, jokes, GREAT food, dogs getting stuck in the dishwasher, and well... Roasting.

Amy did cook a spectacular roast, but there was another kind of roast going on as well.

We Roasted the one and only John D. Keller. oh yes. and boy did i have fun preparing my roast. I actually am going to share my roast with all of you.... well... at least MOST of it. there are some things i absolutely could NOT share here in a public fashion.

So here it goes.


Before we officially begin, let me start by saying that just recently, one of my favorite things about John has been his status updates on his facebook. They are ridiculous to say the least. But i can't stop reading them. So i decided that my Roast would be in the form of status updates :)

John is sitting down to dinner with all his favorite people…
and Rachel.


John is the funniest guy he knows.


John is reading books about vampires when no one is looking.


John giving his wife a loaf of bread before she goes for a walk, not to feed the birds with, but to break up into little pieces and drop as she goes so he can find her later.
*or he will just check chili automotive


John has never regretted letting Becca drive his Jeep Grand Cherokee. Never ever.


John shaves his head…
kind of.


John is spending a quiet night in snuggled up in bed with…
Beckett.


John is taking a shower thinking of what he can break to prove a point.


John in bed showing Amy how much he loves her…
House.


John has asked two people at this table out on a date.


John is gazing at his wife’s ring thinking “third time’s a charm”


John is not deaf… just really really REALLY mean to Becca.


John is thinking of getting his doctorate so he can become the next Mr. Wes.
* His camp will be called Circle D.
D is for Danger

John is running to the baby room to respond to an “emergency”
*followed by giving a 5 minute lecture about “the boy who cried wolf”
ok ok john… we get it. RELAX


John is voting for Obama.
Yes we can, Yes we can, YES WE CAN!


John is your mom


John is BOOM…roasted



So after we all Roasted john, it was John's turn to rebuttal ... He was VERY prepared. He too had a power point presentation :)

First up was Denis:

These apparently these are Denis's inspirations, past and present.

Denis has always been John's favorite Wayan's brother!

Next up: Rachel and Mike

um...not sure if i am going to explain the reasoning behind this picture... YIKES.

John making fun of Mikes obsession with an Iphone

Again, not going to explain this one either.

Rosa Parks :)

John roasting Amy's fear of cats.

The roasters of the evening :)

Thank You, Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Thanksgiving, for me, is just one of those holidays that usually come and go for me. Don't get me wrong, i LOVE spending the day with the Johnson's... my mother-in-law goes all out for dinner! My personal favorite is her Mac and Cheese...yes...we have it for thanksgiving. Some would say it's a bit non traditional, but it is the Johnson favorite.

This year the whole Thanksgiving experiance has just been so different for me. Maybe it was the fact that I have been talking about it for a week and a half now with my kids, or the fact that the Shipmans are here to enjoy this season with us, or maybe it's the fact that we are having Thanksgiving dinner at my house this year. In fact, as i type denis is busy in the kitchen getting things ready :). Maybe it is a combination of all these things and more...it is just that this year...things feel different.

I decided at the beginning of this week that i wanted to take this holiday season to gain perspective. To REALLY stop and think about what i am thankful for. In order to do that, i removed some things from my life for a season (like myspace and facebook that always seem to be calling my name) and use my down time to try and take in the big picture. I have come to the conclusion that i am so incredibly lucky. I have an loving husband, wonderful friends, and i am a part of the greatest family ever. So i would like to take the opportunity to say Thank you...

To my Family:
I look back on my life and i see a house that was filled with laughter. Laughing with all of you is my favorite thing. Whether its when we are playing games, or dad telling his silly jokes, or when someone says something completely ridiculous and we can't contain the urge to make fun of them for it! (90% of the time, it is rachel or i saying the ridiculous thing...shocking i know!) I look forward to the holidays when all of us can be in the same house. I love what our house sounds like when all of us are there. I love the way mom will cook all of our favorite foods. I love the way dad sit at the table just a little longer than usual to be with his kids. I love the way Allison loves to organize our big outings and our games. I love the way Josh just shakes his head at this giggling sisters. I love the way Denis and Mike will hide downstairs because being around the Freer woman just seems a bit overwhelming. I love the way Rachel tells stories from our childhood like they just happened and laughs as if it is the first time she has told it. I love harmony and they way she expanded all of our hearts. We love her in a way we never thought we could love. So to my family. Love isn't a strong enough word to express what my heart feels toward each of you. I am so thankful to call you mine.

To my Friends:
Each of you are my living, breathing treasures. Each and every one of you hold a very significant part of my heart. I love that i can be myself with you and that you love me just the same. Flawed and all. I used to think that the more friends i had, the better i would feel. So i tried to maintain all these friendships because i thought i would find purpose in that, but i never did. These past few years i have learned that it is about quality, not quantity. I consider myself so lucky to have each of you in my life. To amy and john-- for always making me laugh, even when i don't feel like it. John, you are like a brother to me. thank you for always bringing me back to reality. Amy, thank you for all my "free refills!" Your timing is always perfect. To Jaime-- thank you for giving me the excuse to escape life and revert to my childhood. To Heather-- thank you for a continual shoulder to lean on, cry on, and laugh on. may our quote book continue to grow. To Finer Things-- We declared that 2008 would be best yet! Thank you for all the many meals we have shared, for our conversations and our inside jokes. I love you all!!! To Leandra-- i don't deserve all the love you give me. I hope to someday return to you all the love you deserve. To Kelly-- May God continue to show His faithfulness. I stand firm believing that your best is yet to come. To Christy-- i'm not even sure where to begin...thank you for being the best listener i know. i don't know where i would be without you. To Aimee and Shane-- COME BACK! I miss you terribly...

To my Pastors:
Pierre and Marlize-- For so long i dreamed of being a part of the Fathers House. I consider it a privaledge to not only serve with you, but to call you friend. Here's to many many many more years of ministry and friendship together. We love you both!

and last but certainly not least...

To my Husband:
You are my best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my toughest critic, and my greatest treasure. Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you THANK YOU for choosing me. Being your wife is such an honor. I love you more today than ever. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

** when i started writing this blog, it was early this morning, and i had to put it aside to prepare for the day. I am currently ready for bed after a very successful thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!