stream of consciousness

I wrote a blog called "Stream of Consciousness" about this time last year. It is a blog that I really enjoyed writing because all I did was just... write. I wrote whatever I was thinking at that moment. I went back and re-read it to see what I had to say then. I had to chuckle as I wrote about the birth of Norah. I was so worried and gave way to much attention to my fear of labor. I guess the unknown can be scary, but boy was I really scared. Apparently I am tougher than I thought! I also laughed as I described what I hoped Norah would look like. I said... and I quote..."I hope she doesn't come out with pale skin with predominately black features." Boy am I shallow and boy does God have a sense of humor. But I could never have dreamed she would be as beautiful as she is... and boy is she... in my opinion at least.

So a year has gone by and quietly sleeping in the next room is my 11 month old daughter. I know every mother at some point in time asks "how did they grow up so fast?" I ask myself that question everyday. She is my little explorer. She is into everything. She has her own opinion. She throws tantrums, wrestles with kids smaller than her (and sometimes bigger). She "talks" all the time. "Sings" along with music. Claps her hands when she hears her favorite song "The Hog Dog Song" from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She is a walking maniac. Can climb up stairs. She HATES her diaper being changed. She LOVES her cousin Harmony. Seriously... they are best friends. Denis and I were up late last night and we watched the clock turn 1:02. Denis whispered "Happy 11 month Norah." I seriously almost lost it. I told Denis and I am going to be a wreck when she turns one. He responded by saying "Don't do that..." Guess he doesn't like when I am a wreck. oooooooohhhhh welllllllll!

Denis and I just celebrated our 8 year anniversary in December and 10 years of togetherness in January. The loudest lesson I have learned in these past 10 years... relationships are hard work. Not just my relationship with Denis, but in every area of life. Life changes at such a rapid rate and everyone moves along at their own pace. So sometimes I feel like I have to keep up with those who are moving faster than I am, while other times I feel like I am leaving people behind. No one is going at the "right" or "wrong" pace. Just different. I have been overwhelmed with the feelings of trying to change what needs to change and keep the same what "needs" to say the same. And by "needs" I really mean want. What I WANT to say the same... but I find that is almost impossible to control. The sun rises and sets each day. The world keeps on turning at the most predictable pace, yet I have days where I feel life is moving to quick, and other days where life crawls by. Life changes. Jobs change. People get married. Some move away. Others have children and some people just...change. It is all quite difficult to balance. I have found that I stink at it.... But what I have learned to do each night is when the light goes out, in those moments of quiet before I fall asleep, I ask myself: "What did I do to be better today? A better wife. A better mom. A better co-worker. A better boss. Did I go forward or backwards or did I just stay where I was. Some days I don't like the answers to those questions, other days I do. Regardless, I am glad that I am at least I'm asking.

Sometimes I hate social networks. Facebook sometimes makes me insecure. Twitter at times makes me feel like I need to have everything right with my life in order to make a difference. Having a smart phone only adds fuel to the voices in my head that are telling me I need the accolades of others to have a reason to get out of bed each morning. On the other hand I enjoy the community it brings. The ability to connect with people I wouldn't have without it. I enjoy reading what other people are up to, I always love a good laugh and a quick stroll through my news feed usually does that for me. But these days I have found myself avoiding them in the hopes that I can find a balance between my love and hate for them.

I am currently obsessed with Raspberry Sherbet. I have a bowl almost every night before I go to bed. LOVE it! (and it is better than the Oreo phase I just went through)...

My current CD of choice: Be Lifted High from Bethel. The song "God I look to You" has been my sanity this week.

This coming Wednesday I get to spend the evening with 4 of my favorite ladies on this earth. I am so excited I can't even stand it. Craft night/dinner/Birthday Celebration with Amy, Ashley, Carrie and Rachel. It can't get here soon enough.

There is something so right in my world when my parents are in town. They are currently asleep downstairs in my living room and I love that I get to wake up tomorrow and spend the day with them.

Playing on my TV right now is the movie "The Proposal." I seem to have forgotten just how hilarious this movie is. "Congratulations...I'm a hundred"

Now... I'm going to sleep. And tonight in that quiet moment between waking a sleeping I will ask myself "What did I do to be better today?" I can boldly say I was a better wife because Denis and I took the time to go out to dinner and a movie together. Just us. It was wonderful. And I can say I was a better mother to Norah for the same exact reason. Because I heard someone say once "Your best years of Parenting will come from your best years of Marriage." Determined to show Norah that her Mommy and Daddy love each other very much.