Growing Pains and Eye Exams

Life is this crazy journey of self discovery. Just when I feel like I am comfortable in my own skin, my skin sheds like a snake and suddenly I'm exposed and vulnerable all over again. And of course, this "shedding" happens at the most inopportune times and I almost never see it coming.

I could also compare it to going to the eye doctor to get your eyes checked. When you go to the eye doctor, what is one of the first things he/she does? They dilate your eyes. While you are with the doctor, this is no big deal. You are in a dark room and he/she is trained to keep you comfortable and safe during your exam. It is only when you leave that you can sometimes feel disoriented because your eyes are suddenly extremely sensitive to life outside the examination room. The whole reason the doctor needed to dilate your eyes in the first place is so that he/she can get a better look at what is happening below the surface. But the effects of this check-up can at times remain even after the exam is over.

This pretty much sums up what it feels like to go through my own "spiritual eye exam." These occasional (ok, sometimes quite regular) exams ensure that my vision remains clear. Because if left unchecked for too long, I may not even realize that I'm missing the road signs that the Lord is placing so clearly in my path ahead, pointing me in the right direction. As much as I dread the discomfort of these exams, I long for the clarity that comes with them. For clarity brings confidence. And with confidence comes boldness and courage.

I love reading and re-reading Psalms 119 in the Message Translation.

Verses 1-8 says this:
You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God.
You're blessed when you follow his directions,
doing your best to find him.
That's right—you don't go off on your own;
you walk straight along the road he set.
You, God, prescribed the right way to live;
now you expect us to live it.
Oh, that my steps might be steady,
keeping to the course you set;
Then I'd never have any regrets
in comparing my life with your counsel.
I thank you for speaking straight from your heart;
I learn the pattern of your righteous ways.
I'm going to do what you tell me to do;
don't ever walk off and leave me.

I LOVE this: Oh that my steps might be steady, keeping the course you set. THEN I'd never have any regrets...

That is the kind of life I long for. No Regrets. No need for Do-Overs. If I'm honest, there are plenty of things I'd like a second chance at. But that comes with being hopelessly flawed. But I don't want to get to a place where when I take a good look at my surroundings and I wonder "How did I get here...?" I want every step of my journey to be marked by God. I want His fingerprints to be everywhere. Then I can't possibly have any regrets. It may not look exactly how I had planned, but just imagine how much better it will be...

I feel my life is in mid "shed."  I feel the old skin falling away so that new skin can surface. Is it enjoyable? No. Do I wish I could just pick at it and pull it away faster to expedite the process? Heck yes! But wouldn't that just cause unnecessary pain and possibly even scars?! So I will remain patient. Allow this "shedding" to take place in it's own timing. Because even though the skin underneath may look the same as the old skin doesn't mean I haven't changed. It means I'm growing. And that is a beautiful thing.

Faithful God

These past few weeks have been some of the most challenging weeks of my 31 years of life... for reasons I'd rather not get into right now... But please...just take my word for it. My faith has been challenged and tested. Most nights I felt as though I was drowning in a sea of my own tears and emotions. I've had some very real and very honest conversations with the Lord. Some of those talks were long overdue. I can almost picture the Lord saying "I was wondering when you were going to include me on this." And He is quite justified in saying that. But you know what the best part of all this is... Nothing went unnoticed by my Heavenly Father. He listened to my tantrums. He caught all my tears. He never rolled His eyes at me (even though I deserved a good eye roll or two) or thought less of me. I am sure He was whispering calm to my storm but I was to stubborn to take the time to tune into those whispers. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. Too busy assuming I was alone.

I read a quote this week that said this:

The success of God’s plans are not dependent on my ability to execute them.

He will not be handcuffed by my failures or unleashed by my accomplishments. He is bigger than that.

-- Jon Acuff

I don't know about any of you, but I am eternally grateful that God is bigger. The knowledge that God is simply bigger is what propels me forward. I no longer have to feel like I am not good enough or that success only comes when I am recognized for it. No shiny medal or flowery speech will equate to the words "Well done my good and faithful servant." "I press towards the mark for the prize of the High Calling of God." (Phil 3:14). I press on. I am determined for the Lord to know that He can count on me. That I won't quit when the going gets tough.

Today I feel like my head has found the surface and I can breath again. Today has offered me hope. Today I don't feel so afraid. Today I don't feel so alone. Today is a new day. Today, like everyday, I have been assured that goodness and mercy are my companions. (It's just not everyday that I like to address that they are there...following me like the faithful companions they are.)

I was listening to a CD that a friend gave to me. The song "Faithful God" came on. I immediately recognized the song that was recorded by Gateway Church a few years ago, but it was a song I hadn't heard in a while. I let it play and as I listened to those familiar words I began to weep. Right there at my desk. Tears spilled out. Tears that brought such sweet relief. I want you to take a minute and read through the lyrics to this song...

Faithful God

By Gateway Worship

If I call, will You come
When I cry, do You hear
I believe every tear
Is caught up by a faithful God
So I will cry until You come
Cast my cares into Your arms
I can't see past this storm
But I'm counting on a faithful God

Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are Yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully

I believe You still heal
And demons still bow
I'm convinced there is power
In trusting in a faithful God
So I will praise till You appear
And set Your foot upon this shore
I declare that every foe
Is subject to my faithful God

I know that You are mine
And I am Yours, I am Yours
I know Your faithfulness
It will endure, it will endure...

Here is a link to listen to it on YouTube. It is worth the 9:02 minutes it will take for you to listen to it... I promise.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WT1IwDO0Ml4&feature=related

I plan on letting this song sing over me again and again when those days come that I feel overwhelmed, alone, tired, afraid or defeated. Because the truth is "You hold my life secure. All my days are yours"

Stream of Consciousness

I have been attempting to write a blog about South Africa for a few weeks now. I just can't seem to create a post that comes even close to equating with the experience that we had. I will continue to try though. But I fear it may never merit the moment when I can move my mouse over PUBLISH button. Only time will tell.

Speaking of South Africa. I will say that being away from my daughter for 13 days in a row was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I cried every night for a week straight leading up to the big "goodbye." Since I have been back home, being away from her for any period of time is difficult. When I drop her off in daycare now, I feel a tightening in my chest that leads to an intense longing to see her again. Most days I find an excuse to go and see her, but that usually ends badly...for both of us.

As Norah slowly creeps up on her 2nd birthday I am noticing just how rapidly she is changing and growing. I have finally come to grips with the fact that Norah shouldn't be wearing 18 month clothes anymore... getting out her 24 month clothes means I have to admit that she isn't a baby anymore. In two short years this little human being has developed an incredible ability to increase my ability to love. 11 years ago, when I finally gave into my heart and let myself admit that I was completely in love with Denis, I never thought I could love more than I did in that moment. That 11-year-ago love would be put to shame if it ever met the 11-years-and-growing love that I feel now for my husband. But this love that I feel for Norah has caught me completely by surprise. It holds such great power. It was that power that caused me to cry every night leading up to Africa. It is that power that causes me to leap to her rescue every time she falls or even looks like she might fall. It is that love that makes me want to kiss every boo-boo (even the fake ones), wipe every tear, buy every new toy, do something "one more time" just cause she asked, and it's that powerful love that makes me finally believe that punishing my child really does hurt me more than it hurts her! I love that girl more than I will ever be able to show her or tell her. It makes me doubt my ability to love another child as much as I love her. I know that when that day comes ( a day that will not happen  in the next 10 months or less) that that ability to love another little child will be awakened. There is a whole lot of love stored up somewhere that is kept just for them.

As Norah is growing, so are her opinions. The other morning she was with her dad and he was attempting to get her dressed. About 3 feet from where they were sitting was a little blue basketball. Norah wanted that ball. Norah did not want to get dressed. Do you see where this is going? Yeah... it immediately became a situation. As I watched this battle of wills unfold, I attempted to become Denis' ally. So I told Norah, "After you get your shirt on, you can have the ball." "Norah, if you just sit still and let daddy get you dressed you can play with the ball." "Norah! you could have been playing with the ball for 5 minutes already if you would just put the shirt on!"  I didn't say I was a good ally... In fact I'm pretty positive I didn't help the situation at all. But it made me think.  How often is that the way we are with the Lord? Isn't that what happened to the Israelites? They saw what they wanted and tried to take it before they were ready. I could write an entire book on how many times I was distracted by what I wanted and tried to take it while God was trying to wrestle my will down and get me ready to actually have what He was saying I could have but only when I was ready. And we wonder why at times the Lord doesn't let us see what He has even though we pray to see  a "glimpse" or a "piece" of His bigger plan. Because he knows we can be so distracted by that "blue basketball" or that "land flowing with milk and honey" that we will become impatient with His attempts to prepare us for it.

Speaking of preparing. We are in full swing of prepping for our Easter service! I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that this year at The Father's House we are only having ONE service! ONE BIG CELEBRATION! We have rented out the Blue Cross Arena and for the first time since I have been on staff we, as an entire church, will be under one roof! I want to cry just thinking about it. When Denis first told me that it was being considered he said "Ok, I want your first reaction. Ready? Easter: Blue Cross Arena." I said "Yes!..... NOOOO!" The "Yes!" was because how cool is that!! The "NOOOO" was because what a huge risk that is for me to "get it right." Yes. I know this isn't about me. Not even a little bit about me. But I felt like... oh gosh... I could mess this up real bad...and in front of 10,000 people. But again. Not about me. Not even close. So I immediately went back to "YES!" and I have been insanely excited about it as the vision and plans seem to unfold right before us. I am so incredibly thankful for the my pastors and leaders. They are running hard and are determined to make Jesus' name more famous in this city. I am humbled to play a part.

This Saturday I am going to see Hunger Games in the theater. I would embarrass myself if I actually went into detail about how much this excites me. I am crazy about this book series. I am going to see it with my "Net." I think the fact that I get to spend a few hours with them is what I am MOST excited about! (That and Panara... and popcorn... and PEETA!) ok. I'll stop now.

After becoming a mom and having a little family makes me realize just how incredibly lucky I am to have been raised by the most incredible woman and man on this earth. And how lucky I am to have 3 incredible siblings. If everything in my life where to suddenly get turned upside-down. If every friend I had walked away...my family would be there. No questions asked. I am so incredibly thankful for them.

April is a big birthday month for me. Not only is it my birthday month and Norah's, but so many of my friends and family. I am excited that Baby K will soon be added to that list! I asked Gracie today "Is mommy having a girl or a boy?" she said "mommy's havin' a baby" I asked again "but is it a brother or a sister?" "It's a baby" she said. What a smart little goo she is :)

For the first time in I don't even know, my husband is upstairs in bed before I am. So I am going to hit "publish" and join him. Thanks for letting me ramble. Sometimes a girls just gotta ramble.

If hair could talk....

* WARNING: This blog post may appear to be dramatic, emotional or perhaps plain silly to some. And if you feel that way, that is perfectly fine. But if you cannot resist the urge to make fun of my dramatic/emotional/silly side, you may want to stop reading now. If you choose to continue reading and still find this post to be, shall I say again, dramatic, I only ask that you please keep your comments to yourself. Thanks :] I appreciate that.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way.

This past Friday, I packed up my car and my Bean and we heading to the Southern Tier to visit my parents for the holiday. I arrived at lunch time after a fabulous drive with Norah thanks only to Blue's Clues! (Norah's current favorite) A few hours later, I was standing in the kitchen when my phone buzzed. I looked at my phone to see that Denis has sent me a picture. I picked up the phone to see what it was and it was then they my heart stopped briefly. I had a mini freak out, which Rachel witnessed, and so she obviously wanted to know what I was holding back tears. So I told her. The picture that Denis sent to me was a picture of himself... dreadless. He had been talking about cutting his hair for a while now, but I suppose I didn't quite believe he would actually go through with it! Well...he did. Much to my apparent surprise. His long dreaded locks. Gone.

It was only hair.

So why did I cry?

Well... because if hair could talk, those dreads could tell you about every moment of our life as Mr. and Mrs.

You see, the last time that Denis had his hair cut was the morning of our wedding. Soon after that, he decided that he wanted to grow his hair out and have dread locks. He spent the next year growing out his hair, then shortly before Mike and Rachel's wedding he had the locks put in. And they have been growing ever since.  I used to tease him by grabbing the ends of his hair and saying "Hey, remember the wedding? You were there..." 

If  his dreads could talk, they would tell you about how while we were saying our vows, Denis said his first, then when it was my turn he chimed right in and said "I Rebecca..." and the place burst into laughter.

They would tell you that our very first fight in our marriage was over me putting the jelly knife into the peanut butter. (who knew that was frowned upon?)

Or that our very first Christmas together was spent being snowed in our apartment with no food or bed.

And they would also tell you Denis and I have very different feelings about feet :]

If his dreads could talk, they could tell you about the 6 different places we have lived in the past 9 years.

They would be able to tell you all about the hours and hours we have spent in the car together traveling to Philly, to Pittsburgh or to Allegany. All the laughs we shared on those car rides, the dreaming we did, the fights we had, or about all the times we got lost and didn't ask for directions!

They could tell you about our vacations. ( The one to Jamaica was extra special since the natives thought he was a rasta and tried to sell him drugs... sometimes those dreads were trouble)

If they could talk, they could tell you all about our highest highs and our lowest lows. About the joy we felt when we saw those two pink lines for the first time, and the sorrow we felt when days later those two lines became one again.

They were there when Norah breathed her first breath. When she cried her first cry. When she made us a family.  Norah used to hold a handful of Denis' hair when she drank her bottle. She would laugh when it ticked her face....

It has seen us through our entire marriage up until last Friday. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset that he cut it, or wish he hadn't. When I saw him for the first time I felt like someone had put me in a time machine and sent me back to 2002. He looks like the man I feel in love with almost 11 years ago. Hair comes and goes. Lord knows I change mine all the time. I guess I was more attached to the dreads than I thought. Or at least the history they held. But I am, and always will be,  a firm believer that the best is yet to come. There are higher highs to be had...and probably lower lows. It doesn't matter who are what is around to see those moments. What really matters is the moments are waiting us. And no one else can live them for us. They are ours to have. Ours to hold. And ours to remember.

So if hair could talk, and I am well aware that it can't. It would say "Goodbye. Go live your beautiful life."

Consider it done.

Strong Museum of Play

Last weekend we packed up our little Bug-a-boo and went on an adventure! I must admit, I really needed out of my house... there was a lot going on and I needed a really good distraction. I had been there numerous times, but I wasn't sure what to expect with a 16 month old! Denis had never been there, so it was all new for him as well.

Even though there was so much there that Norah was just to little to do or understand, she still played her little heart out. She was hilarious every time we left a room or activity. She would throw a fit and cry like we were robbing her from her greatest joy. She didn't understand that we were talking her to even more fun! We worked our way right through the Museum stopping to play in almost every room. I think that next summer we will get a membership. She will be the perfect age to really go and enjoy all the Museum has to offer. I love that we have a such an amazing place to visit here in Rochester. We will definitely be back! Here are some pictures of our fun afternoon together as a family!

Falling in Love is like owning a Dog

I heard this poem at a wedding I sang at this past weekend. I didn't know the couple too well, but what I did know of them, I admired. I truly believe that they have what it takes to make it in this world where "making it" is becoming more and more rare. They had this poem: "Falling in love is like owning a Dog" read during their ceremony. I know that I don't own a dog, but I LOVE this poem. ( I thought a few of my Dog-owning friends might enjoy the read)

Love is like owning a Dog
By Taylor Mali

First of all it's a big responsibility,

especially in a city like New York

So think long and hard before deciding on love

On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:

when you are walking down the street late at night

you have a leash on love

ain't no one gonna mess with you.

Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.

Who knows what love could do on it's own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm

It lies between you and lives and breathes

and makes funny noises.

Love wakes you up all hours of the night with it's needs.

It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn't like being left alone for too long.

But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things in it's passion for life,

but you can never be mad at love for too long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!

Love can be bad. Bad love bad. very bad love.

Love makes messes

and leaves you little surprises here and there.

Love needs a lot of cleaning up after.

Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.

Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper

and swat love on the nose.

Not so much to cause love pain,

but just to let love know to never do that again.

Sometimes love just wants to go for a long walk.

Because love loves exercise.

It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.

It pulls you in several different directions at once,

or winds you around and around

until you are wound up and can't move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.

People who have nothing in common but love

stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away, and love will bring them back

again, and again, and again.

But most of all, love needs love, and lots of it.

And in return love loves you, and never stops.

I can see clearly (well clearer) now....

I was texting with a friend the other day and she said "You have fallen off the face of the technological earth!" This is true, but i wouldn't say "fallen"...cause I really more like jumped. I did stand at the edge of this decision for a while. I guess I was afraid to jump. Ok, maybe afraid isn't the right word either. I was really more concerned with: was I jumping for all the right reasons?

Over the past few years my generation has watched social networking take over the world. Sometimes I wonder how I ever communicated with my friends when I was young(er)! We actually called each other? Unheard of these days unless it is absolutely necessary or an emergency. My phone barely rings anymore, and if it does I find myself saying "They will leave a message or text me if it is REALLY important" and so I don't answer. This is the kind of world we life in now. It's not that it is bad, it is just...different.

I let this new era of technology get the best of me. It started changing me. Slowly at first, so I didn't notice it. I believe that Twitter, Myspace, and Facebook has it's incredible advantages. I am willing to bet that anyone who is reading this will know the fun behind these social networks so I will save the list of "Pro's" for you to make yourselves. But I have a list of "Con's" as well. Maybe this list will vary from person to person, but my list of "Con's" made me realize that this whole scene just isn't for me right now. I'm not in a place where I can let the good overrule the bad. And I'm not ashamed of that. Not one bit. In face the freedom I have found in admitting my imperfections is THE main reason I said "So long" to that world.

I think for some people (not all), FB and Twitter are a place to show the world how perfectly perfect their life is. And if by chance, someone writes a not so perfectly perfect status or comment, all hell breaks loose. I've never been good at being fake. I don't hide things well, I was born wearing my heart on my sleeve. But FB and Twitter made me feel like I was never good enough. Good enough for who? I don't really know.... Good enough for what? Again, no clue... But everyone (not EVERYONE) presented their life as perfect. It's ok to not be perfect. It's ok to not have the perfect marriage, or the perfect child, or the perfect job, or the perfect friends. Cause I don't have any of those. I used to think that it wasn't ok to not be perfectly perfect. But now that I have silenced the voices, I feel better about my life. Maybe someday I will be secure enough to dabble in social networking again, but for now, I'm not. I figure if people really care enough about the "status" of my life, that they will ask.

Love This

I am so grateful that our Big God never gave up on us.

"You will remain after that day has gone and things of earth have passed. Everlasting God"- Ross Parsley

Let them be little

"I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand. Felt so good in it, no bigger than a minute. How it amazes me how your changing with every blink. Faster than a flower blooms, they grow up all to soon....

Let them be little, cause they're only that way for a while. Give them home, give them praise, give them love everyday. Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle. Let them be little."

I've never felt so much in one little tender touch. I live for those kisses, prayers and your wishes. Now your teaching me things only a child things only a child can see. Every night while we're on our knees all we ask is please just...

Let them be little. Cause they're only that way for a while. Give them hope. Give them praise. Give them love everyday. Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle. Let them be little...

So innocent. Precious soul. You turn around, it's time to let them go...

So let them be little. Cause they're only that way for a while. Give them hope. Give them praise. Give them love everyday. Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle. Let them be little." -Lonestar

Norah,

You have give me the best 20 months of my life (9 inside of me). I know that our little family isn't perfect. We will never claim to be. But know that we love you so much. You are the joy of our lives. You make me laugh everyday. Every single day! I love your cuddles and kisses. I love being your mom. I tell you all the time that you are the best idea we ever had. Love you junie bug. I love watching you grow.

Love,

Mom

The Big Birthday Girl!

My Net

Definition of net:

Cords that are woven or knotted together

A barrier

To cover, protect or surround with

Remaining after all deductions.

These girls are my net.

We are woven together. Linked arm in arm as life rages forward.

Knotted. I'd dare say double knotted :) Secure.

After the storms of life hit my life like an unexpected hurricane, these girls are the barriers that keep the water out.

They cover me in prayer.

They protect my heart.

They surround me with

laughter.

After I've been left in the dust. Alone. Abandoned. Betrayed. They remain. Always

My net. For life.

stream of consciousness

I wrote a blog called "Stream of Consciousness" about this time last year. It is a blog that I really enjoyed writing because all I did was just... write. I wrote whatever I was thinking at that moment. I went back and re-read it to see what I had to say then. I had to chuckle as I wrote about the birth of Norah. I was so worried and gave way to much attention to my fear of labor. I guess the unknown can be scary, but boy was I really scared. Apparently I am tougher than I thought! I also laughed as I described what I hoped Norah would look like. I said... and I quote..."I hope she doesn't come out with pale skin with predominately black features." Boy am I shallow and boy does God have a sense of humor. But I could never have dreamed she would be as beautiful as she is... and boy is she... in my opinion at least.

So a year has gone by and quietly sleeping in the next room is my 11 month old daughter. I know every mother at some point in time asks "how did they grow up so fast?" I ask myself that question everyday. She is my little explorer. She is into everything. She has her own opinion. She throws tantrums, wrestles with kids smaller than her (and sometimes bigger). She "talks" all the time. "Sings" along with music. Claps her hands when she hears her favorite song "The Hog Dog Song" from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She is a walking maniac. Can climb up stairs. She HATES her diaper being changed. She LOVES her cousin Harmony. Seriously... they are best friends. Denis and I were up late last night and we watched the clock turn 1:02. Denis whispered "Happy 11 month Norah." I seriously almost lost it. I told Denis and I am going to be a wreck when she turns one. He responded by saying "Don't do that..." Guess he doesn't like when I am a wreck. oooooooohhhhh welllllllll!

Denis and I just celebrated our 8 year anniversary in December and 10 years of togetherness in January. The loudest lesson I have learned in these past 10 years... relationships are hard work. Not just my relationship with Denis, but in every area of life. Life changes at such a rapid rate and everyone moves along at their own pace. So sometimes I feel like I have to keep up with those who are moving faster than I am, while other times I feel like I am leaving people behind. No one is going at the "right" or "wrong" pace. Just different. I have been overwhelmed with the feelings of trying to change what needs to change and keep the same what "needs" to say the same. And by "needs" I really mean want. What I WANT to say the same... but I find that is almost impossible to control. The sun rises and sets each day. The world keeps on turning at the most predictable pace, yet I have days where I feel life is moving to quick, and other days where life crawls by. Life changes. Jobs change. People get married. Some move away. Others have children and some people just...change. It is all quite difficult to balance. I have found that I stink at it.... But what I have learned to do each night is when the light goes out, in those moments of quiet before I fall asleep, I ask myself: "What did I do to be better today? A better wife. A better mom. A better co-worker. A better boss. Did I go forward or backwards or did I just stay where I was. Some days I don't like the answers to those questions, other days I do. Regardless, I am glad that I am at least I'm asking.

Sometimes I hate social networks. Facebook sometimes makes me insecure. Twitter at times makes me feel like I need to have everything right with my life in order to make a difference. Having a smart phone only adds fuel to the voices in my head that are telling me I need the accolades of others to have a reason to get out of bed each morning. On the other hand I enjoy the community it brings. The ability to connect with people I wouldn't have without it. I enjoy reading what other people are up to, I always love a good laugh and a quick stroll through my news feed usually does that for me. But these days I have found myself avoiding them in the hopes that I can find a balance between my love and hate for them.

I am currently obsessed with Raspberry Sherbet. I have a bowl almost every night before I go to bed. LOVE it! (and it is better than the Oreo phase I just went through)...

My current CD of choice: Be Lifted High from Bethel. The song "God I look to You" has been my sanity this week.

This coming Wednesday I get to spend the evening with 4 of my favorite ladies on this earth. I am so excited I can't even stand it. Craft night/dinner/Birthday Celebration with Amy, Ashley, Carrie and Rachel. It can't get here soon enough.

There is something so right in my world when my parents are in town. They are currently asleep downstairs in my living room and I love that I get to wake up tomorrow and spend the day with them.

Playing on my TV right now is the movie "The Proposal." I seem to have forgotten just how hilarious this movie is. "Congratulations...I'm a hundred"

Now... I'm going to sleep. And tonight in that quiet moment between waking a sleeping I will ask myself "What did I do to be better today?" I can boldly say I was a better wife because Denis and I took the time to go out to dinner and a movie together. Just us. It was wonderful. And I can say I was a better mother to Norah for the same exact reason. Because I heard someone say once "Your best years of Parenting will come from your best years of Marriage." Determined to show Norah that her Mommy and Daddy love each other very much.

Blessings

The song blessings by Laura Story has become my anthem. I am learning to understand that life isn't about finding happiness. It isn't about having a lot of friends or having everyone like you. Life is about finding God in the small things. Its about seeking God even when He seems hard to find. It is about loving when the butterflies are gone. It is about letting God change you and mold you into His likeness. Sometimes he does that through our pain. Through our tears. Through our joys and successes. When Jason Upton was as our church he said something that really stuck with me. He said that it is easier for us to believe that God has abandoned us rather than believe He is right there with us in our pain. How true that is... Today at our saturday morning prayer, Chris Folwell encouraged us to press past the awkwardness of our "issues" with God. Sometimes when I pray I tend to ignore the "elephant in the room." The thing I don't address with God because I know that what I feel isn't true...but i feel it anyway. That he let me down... that there are certain things in my life I feel like I can't trust him with. But lets be honest. He can't let me down. He is the most trustworthy of them all... but yet i feel these things and they hinder my growth. Chris compared it to going out to dinner with our spouse and finding you have nothing to say. Or sitting down with someone we love knowing that the conversation to come is going to be really hard. I find it easier to ignore God when I am angry with him (which as said before... sometimes I am...) because I think it will get his attention and he will just "fix" everything. Maybe someday I will learn that God allows things to happen in my life that are outside of what I find acceptable so He can reveal to me a different piece of his character. My favorite line of this song says this:

What if my greatest disappointments, Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise.

What if: it is the lingering question. the great debate. But trust is a choice. God has never asked me to trust everyone. But he has asked me to trust him. "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)

"what if trials in this life are his mercies in disguise"

Here are all the lyrics of this song. If you haven't heard it yet, you tube it. You won't be disappointed.

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

I want to be Thankful

I have been learning about the impact two little words can make...

Thank-You.

Two words that can make someone feel special. Feel included. Feel wanted. Feel appreciated. I believe that if we start using these words more often, (to our children, to our spouse, to our friends, to our co-workers, to our employee's, to our boss, to the person who holds the door open at the store, or to the friend who gives you an unexpected gift or complement), we will open up to the door to allow God to form our heart into one that bleeds gratitude. We will find that we complain much less and love a lot more. Life is too short to live it being ungrateful for what we have and who we have in our life.

Thank-you.

Thank you Mom and Dad for dedicating your lives to your family and to your church. You are two of the hardest working human beings I know and I am incredibly honored to call you "mine"

Thank you Denis for picking me. For being in love with Jesus first and me second. Thank you for being the greatest husband and dad on earth. Norah and I are crazy about you.

Thank you to my friends who have never given up on me. Thank you for your unconditional love and support...for being there when I fall and not labeling me as a failure. But instead you get down in the dirt with me to encourage me and walk with me when I finally found the courage to stand again.

Thank you to all the beautiful people that work in the After School Program at Pearce. You make it a JOY to be at work. I think we have the best job on earth. Thank you for all your hard work and dedication. You are the greatest group of people and I am honored to lead you.

Thank you to my church for all your love and support. You are my family. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and for being some of my greatest cheerleaders. Made to Belong :)

I am thankful to be a daughter of the King. He is my rock, my shield, and my portion. I never want a day to go by where I forget to say Thank You to the Lord. Whether it is in a whispered prayer or a loud declaration. It's not enough to assume He knows. He longs to be told.

"it won't be like this for long"

My sweet little lady is 9 months old... she has officially lived longer outside of me than inside of me. I find it hard to remember what it was like having her grow inside of me.... feeling her kicks as I fell asleep...longing for dr.'s appointments so I could hear that precious sound of her heart beating. I try to remember, but most of the time I can't. So I am going to try harder to write everyday down :) To document the things that happen as she grows into this beautiful, spunky child of mine. I haven't written an update in a while so here is just a little bit of what life is like with Norah.

In case you didn't see Rachel's blog post about Norah: (http://fotogirl14.blogspot.com/2011/02/norah-kathleen.html)

She posted a few of her 9 month pictures along with her nicknames (minus sputnick...no one REALLY calls her that...we just tease her about her huge noggin. :)

Her nicknames include: Junie Bug ( really any variation of bug: love bug, bugaboo, beetle bug, or bugga), Norah Beaner (given to her by her daycare teachers), Booper, Katie Girl (given to her by my daddy) and Norah Kate (the only nickname denis ever uses... he's big on calling her by her actual name!)

What she's up to:

Crawling like a maniac. She has been crawling since she was 6 months old. She always wants to be on the move.

Walking along furniture/around her play table/pushing her shopping cart. She does circles around her table touching all the buttons as she circles around, dancing at each new song.

Stands for about 10 seconds on her own. Usually only when she doesn't know she is doing it. She's like Grace, there is no practicing. It is all on her own terms. She has her own opinions that she is making quite clear these days.

Sleeping through the night. She started dabbling at sleeping all night at about 12 weeks, then stopped for a bit and started again at 4 months. She started by sleeping about 8 hr stretches and now sleeps from 11-13 hrs a night. We found that when we put her to bed earlier she sleeps longer. But it isn't always possible with the schedule we keep. Sometimes we keep her up just because we miss her. She doesn't sleep well at daycare so she has gotten in the habit of taking an evening nap. She falls asleep around 5 or 6 and sleeps till about 7-7:30. She wakes up (or is woken up) to eat, get a bath and goes right back down at 8. She is starting to sleep a bit more at daycare so i hope that helps rid the evening nap. Days she is not at daycare, she takes 2 super naps and no evening nap.

She is growing at a pretty average rate. Her percentiles are in the 60's, except her head :) (that is in the 80's) but we love her big head of curls :)

She loves to play on her own. She has a basket of toys she plays with, but she prefers daddy's books and cd cases or a plastic cup or bottle. She loves to take her toys and crawl into the kitchen and bang her toys on the hard floor. She loves the sound it makes. She also loves crawling under the table and standing up in the middle of all the chairs. Then she plays the chairs like a drum. We have one chair that is metal. She prefers that one :)

She loves her food! She is still eating some baby food each day. I like her to eat her cereal for breakfast still. She eats table food for lunch and dinner. Some of her favorites are: pizza, chicken nuggets, ham, hot dogs, toast with peanut butter, CHEESE, pasta, and fruit cups. She definitely prefers feeding herself rather than being fed. I have a feeling she will be only only table food here soon. She is still on soy formula, but we have given her cheese and yogurt with dairy in it and so far so good. We will have her tested for a dairy allergy at her 1 year appointment. Hoping to be able to make a smooth switch back over to regular milk.

She is still a cuddle bug. I love that she will still fall asleep in my arms. Every sunday I come home, scoop her up and cuddle her while we both sleep. Sometimes she will sleep in my arms for more than 3 hrs. It is most beneficial when she is sick because she will sleep on the lounge chair with one of us. She just seems to sleep better than way when she is sick.

She loves music. She will "sing" and dance and clap along with the music. She gets quite excited. Her favorites: Stevie Wonder and Michael Jackson! I'd like to say she loves listening to me sing, but normally it is what puts her to sleep. :)

She LOVES harmony. I know she is closer in age with Makaela, but I feel like Norah and Harmony are already best buds. But at the end of the day, I am just very thankful that she will grow up living near hear cousins. I hope they grow to be as close as sisters.

She is DADDY's little girl... If daddy is in the room, no one else matters. She says DaDa constantly as well. She squeals when he comes down the stairs. Cries at the door when he leaves. Crawls up on his lap when she is tired. She is just smitten with her dad. I think she gets it from me :)

She seems to do something new with each passing day. She makes us laugh so much. She brings so much joy to our home... the unspeakable kind. We pray that never changes. I never knew I could love like this. It overwhelms me almost daily. I must tell Denis everyday "I just love her so much..." :) The other day Denis told a friend of ours "What are we going to do when we have a normal kid someday?" Meaning Norah is just an incredible baby. We don't take it for granted either. God just seemed to know what our home needed. He knew what it was missing. It was missing Norah. Now that we have her, I don't remember much about life without her. We know our family isn't complete yet and we dream about our family growing. But for now, we are soaking in every moment with our sweet little lady. Loving our family of 3.

Write Everyday Down

Recently a recording artist by the name of Jason Upton came to our church for our One Thing conference. I was more than a little excited when I was told he was coming. I have been a fan of his for about 8 years now. He is an incredible worship leader and speaker and one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. During his worship concert he sang a song called "Write Everyday Down." He reminded us that we need to record our days so that the world would know that God was alive, even in times such as these. How often do we let a day go by where we don't see God in it? But there He is. In our every breath. We don't always reflect Him, but He is there.... there in it all.

This January was a very significant time in my life. I won't go into what has taken place in these past last month because 1) I am still trying to wade through it all and 2) well... it's not all to be shared. Sometimes God moves in our lives in such a beautiful way that i don't want to ruin it by letting others impose their opinions or their "that ain't nothing" kind of attitude. I don't expect everyone to understand how significant the laying down of my own yoke and taking up his really is or how it came to be. Like the hymn says "This is MY story, this is MY song." I am sure over the next month I will share some of what God has shown me. But other things I will keep between me and the Lord... and I think He is a great secret keeper.

January also marked 10 years of being with Denis. I took sometime one evening to write down our days. Now, there are many MANY other days that have made marks on our relationship. But again, some things are better left between Denis and I. But I did build a bit of a road map of our story together. I love the quote from Just Married that says: "You never see the hard days in a photo album, but those are the ones that get you from one happy snap shot to the next." Our story is still being written. And the most some of the most significant moments are the ones that cannot be captured by a camera. So I am determined to do better at writing down everyday. Because what doesn't seem significant today, may be pivotal to our tomorrow. Here are a few of my days over the past 10 years that have helped build my story. *i have done this to the BEST of my memory... forgive me if a few of the days may be a bit off*

Day 1- January 31^{st 2001}- Denis and I knew we had feelings for each other around Christmastime 2000, but there were some complications surrounding us that needed attention before we could become official. We spent the month of January praying, fasting and seeking the Lord about our relationship. On January 31, 2001 Denis drove 2 hours down to my parents house to ask them for permission to date me. I had no clue that this event took place until Denis picked me up from my dorm room and gave me an incredible diamond necklace. And even though it was our first official day of being “Denis and Becca” we, that night, promised each other our forever. We knew. We just knew. And we were right.

Day 293– November 20 2001 Day Denis proposed- Denis proposed to me at Spot Coffee in front of my sisters and some of my closest friends. It was completely unexpected because it was a GIRLS night out. He surprised me by showing up to coffee. After some small talk he told a story about the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. One he wanted to impact the kingdom of God with, one he wanted to have kids with, and one he wanted to grow old with. I don’t remember much of what he said because I was in tears. He gave me a dozen roses and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes. J

Day 328 - December 25 2001our first Christmas together- I loved our first Christmas together! We took engagement pictures and scored big on the after Christmas sales in preparation for our Christmas wedding!

Day 486 – June 1 2002 Our first apartment- We were on the hunt for our first place since both of us were no longer at RWC. We found a quaint little place right near my job. He moved in right away with Larry! It was our first home together.

Day 689 - December 21 2002 Our wedding day- Best day of my life. We stood before our family and friends and promised forever. We are still walking out what “I DO” really means. It isn’t always easy, but I’d choose him over and over again.

Day 690-692 – December 22-24 2002 our honeymoon- We spent a few days in Toronto. That’s really all I care to say about our honeymoon.

Day 2065 - September 30 2006 Hired at TFH- The summer of 2006 changed the course of our lives. Denis and I were volunteering on and off through the summer helping out the worship leader at that time. One Saturday Pierre was leading worship and asked me last minute to lead a song for him. (otherwise known as the moment that changed everything). I have been leading worship ever since. We love being a part of the team at TFH. Honored to serve God and His people.

Day 2207-2211 – February 19-23 2007: Our fist big vacation: Cruise- Everything was changing so quickly. We were learning to live life in a totally different way. By the time January came around, we were very stressed and unsure of ourselves (well I was at least). So last minute Denis (and his brilliant self) drove down the street to the Travel Agency and next thing I know, we had a cruise booked for 2 weeks later! It was 5 days of absolute bliss. We left all our cares behind and soaked in the sun and relaxation.

Day 2477- November 20, 2007: Harmony was born: She was born into this world and I was instantly in love. They say there is something so special about the first. I know she isn’t MY first…. But she was the first baby that showed me a different piece of myself. The piece that hurts when she cried, when she was hurt or when she stuck out her little quivering lip, the piece that burst open when she laughed, or said my name for the first time… Her middle name says it all. Joy.

Day 2763 - September 1, 2008: Rach and Mike move to Rochester: I finally had my best friend back near me. My world was right and has been right ever since. I love living life with them. How did we ever live 4 hrs apart…

Day 2896– January 12, 2009: Our First: I had a dream on that Sunday night that I was pregnant. We were headed into our 21 days of fasting, so for piece of mind I took a pregnancy test. It was the first time I saw those 2 beautiful pink lines. I went running into the bedroom to tell Denis the news. We were floating.

Day 2830 – January 16, 2009: Heartache: We found out a few days later that we had lost the baby. I still think about ‘her’ everyday. I will remember and never forget. “We’ll just let Jesus hold you till Mom and Dad can hold you. You’ll just see heaven before we do…”

Day 3010 – May 10, 2009 Mothers day-Bittersweet: It was a difficult day to face. I was supposed to be 6 months pregnant. But at the end of a hard day, I hear a knock at the door. I was John and Amy. To make a long, emotional story short, they came bearing the greatest news… they were expecting. Suddenly my heartache became less achy.

Day 3079-3085– July 18-24, 2009: Missions trip to Mexico: A week I will never forget. I still go back and look at picture of those faces that stole my heart away. It was my first mission’s trip, and definitely not my last!

Day 3102- August 16, 2009: 2 lines in ’09: It was a Sunday. I was feeling so sick. After barely making it through church, I slept all afternoon only to wake up even sicker. Denis was out with friends and I asked if he would come home. On his way home he picked up soup, Gatorade and 6 pregnancy tests! I hesitantly took one, and again, saw those beautiful pink lines. I let my joy overshadow my fear and soaked in that moment. Norah was on her way…

Day 3147 – September 30, 2009: We saw our baby for the first time: There she was. Up on the TV screen. Little heart beating away quietly. She was alive. She was real. She was ours.

Day 3203– November 25, 2009 It’s a……: GIRL! She didn’t cooperate at first. We almost didn’t get to find out. But last minute our Tech told us the news. Girl. We were having a daughter. Not how we had planned it…. But better.

Day 3355- April 26, 2010: Norah Kathleen Johnson: Born into this world. I could never put into words the way I felt when I heard her cry for the first time…. The moment I saw her sweet face for the first time has been etched into my very soul. I will dedicate my life to showing her just how much Jesus loves her.

Day 3618- January 14, 2011: Mini Sisser: Makaela Reese was brought into this world by the bravest woman I know. Let the record show. C-Sections are not for wimps. My sister walked bravely into the OR and came out a beautiful mother of 2. I love this little girl. She looks just like her pretty mommy J

Day 3635 – January 31, 2011: 10 years of togetherness: I love being Mrs. Denis Johnson. We have had our share of heartaches. Our share of dark days, trials, and pain. But we have also shared thousands of laughs. Thousands of kisses. Denis has taught me to love. He has pointed me to Christ in times he didn’t have the answers. He has held me in my lowest points. He has celebrated me publicly. I am proud to bare his name and to have mothered his children. Love you babe. Here’s to Forever….

The stickers only stick if you let them.

Yesterday at our rlife gathering, a question was posed to everyone in our group. The questions was this:

What book, besides the bible, has impacted or influenced you the most?

The questions went around the group and I was the last one to answer. As everyone answered (answers included Purpose Driven Life, The Boyscout Handbook, Die Hard (jamie hall), Bait of Satan and Grace) I was unable to think of just one! I will admit, I am not a BIG reader and a majority of what I DO read is written by Nicholas Sparks, the books my husband has labeled "Devil Books" because they all make me cry. (apparently crying is of the devil!). But out of all the books I have read, I still couldn't narrow my favorite down to just one. So i decided to name them all! So here they are:
- Hinds Feet in High Places- by Hannah Hurdard
- You are Special- by Max Lucado
- The Shack- by William Young
- Secrets of the Secret Place- by Bob Sorge
I am unable to narrow this list down to THE one that has impacted me or influenced me the most. They all have helped me through some of the darkest parts of my life. Everyone spoke to a different part of my heart and my mind. Each of them revealed to me a different part of who God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are.

As I attempted sleep last night I kept thinking about each of these books. Letting myself be reminded once again of what I took away from each of them.

Hinds Feet in High Places: the story of Much-Afraid and her journey through life...her companions being Sorrow and Suffering and she faces places of Pride, Humility, Loneliness, Tribulation, Loss, and on into a place of Healing, Anointing and even getting a new name: Grace and Glory. It is a beautiful allegory of just hard life can sometimes be. But in the end, God's truth remains: He who began a good work is faithful to complete it.

The Shack: an incredible fiction novel that reveals the beautiful relationship between Man and God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit. This book isn't for everyone. I know many who have some trouble accepting this book, but this book was one written for someone like me. It stirred something in me as i read through this book in a matter of days. I have a hard time even putting into words what this book means to me. It taught me about my heavenly "papa" who allows things to happen in my life that aren't always what he has purposed for me, but he uses each and every tear and heartache to point back to his perfect grace and mercy, and best of all, his unconditional love.

Secrets of the Secret Place: I had the extreme privilege of meeting and spending time with the author of this book just days before Norah was born. It was one of those "pinch me i must be dreaming" kind of moments. Bog Sorge is an incredible man and author who's personal journey is one for the history books. This book brings to light the simple truth of where God dwells: The Secret Place. The place that isn't hard to find when you are looking for it. The place where each and everyone of us are invited to but not everyone chooses to go. It is made for the person who isn't necessarily a "reader." It is laid out in a lot of short chapters that can be read one at a time. I highly recommend it.

Last but not least... You are Special: This is a children's book written by Max Lucado that has changed the way I live and think. Every time i read it to my students I fight back tears. I would like to dwell on this book for a moment because this is the one that even now, is changing me.

It is a story about the Wemmicks. the Wemmicks are a group of wooden people who were all carved by the wood carver named Eli. Eli's house sits high up on the hill overlooking the village of the people he created. All they did all day long was give each other stars and dots. Those who looked pretty, could do fun tricks, or sing well all would receive stars. but those whose paint was chipped, said stupid things, or fell a lot were given dots.

One wemmick named Punchinello was given a lot of dots and he felt better when he hung out with other wemmicks with dots. But one day he met another wemmick that didn't have any dots or stars. Her name was Lucia. It's not that people didn't try to give her stickers, its just that the stickers didn't stick. Punchinello wanted to know why she didn't have any marks, and she said "I go and see Eli everyday." and she turned and walked away.

As he thought about this, he realized he didn't like all these marks that people had given him. He didn't want the other wemmicks to mark him with any more dots. So he decided that he was going to go and see Eli.

The next day he climbed the hill to Eli's workshop to visit with Eli. As he walked in, he realized just how small he felt next to the grand size of everything Eli's workshop, so he tried to quietly turn and leave. But then something happened. Eli called his name. He knew his name? Of course he did! He created him! "I've been waiting for you" Eli told him. "for me?" Punchinello asked. "why?" "Because I created you...and you are special"

Punchinello had a very difficult time believing that anyone would really care about him, let alone his maker. But Eli was there. He had been waiting. Eli bent over and picked Punchinello up and said "Looks like you have been given a lot of marks..." Punchinello then asked Eli about Lucia. "Why didn't she have any stars or dots?" The entire book had been leading up to this moment. This is what he said:

"The stickers only stick if you let them."

He went on to tell Punchinello that if he came to see him everyday that he would remind him of HIS love and what HE thought of him. At that moment, Punchinello looked up at Eli and something beautiful happened... Punchinello believed him. And as he turned to leave one of the dots he had been given fell to the ground.

Oh how the simplest of children's stories has set me free. I have come to a beautiful place in my life where I am no longer concerned with what other people think of me. How other people view me. How they view my marriage or my mothering. Because I have realized this: the stickers only stick if you let them. My relationship with my Maker, my relationship with my husband, my relationship with my sweet daughter is just that... mine. I am ok if others want to cast judgement or talk about me behind my back. That may sound harsh, but that is where life has taken me. I've been given a lot of bad marks. I am determined that star nor dot will effect the way I view myself because only one person's opinion matters. "Eli's." The name eli means "high." His thoughts are HIGHer than my thoughts (and the thoughts of others) His ways are HIGHer than my ways (or the ways others tell me I should think or live). His thoughts and his voice need to be the things that matter the most to me. In the past I have let my need to please other people come first. To be liked. To be popular. To have the most friends on facebook. To be preferred over another. It turns out that is not a healthy or fun way to live. So i am choosing to spend time with the Lord ever day. To let him tell me what HE thinks of me. What HE wants me to do. I know there are times when I will let other peoples opinions trump my makers. When those moments come, I pray i lean close enough into the arms of God to hear him say "you've been given a lot of marks...but they only stick if you let them."

Goodness and Mercy shall follow me....

"You don't need strength to let go of something. What you need is understanding" -Guy Finley



Before you continue reading I ask one simple thing: Don't judge me.



Last week something happened that made me question a lot. One event sent me on a emotional and mental spiral that I am still trying to pull myself out of.



I have always battled with fear. It is a flaw in my emotional makeup. But the moment I found out that I was going to be a mother, a whole new list of fears etched itself into my mind and worry made itself at home in my heart.



Fears such as:

will i lose this baby?

will there be something seriously wrong?

will labor be unbearable? :)

will my doctor be there to deliver?

will I go into labor while driving, or teaching, or God forbid while leading worship? ( this was my silliest and most selfish of the fears)



and the list went on. But April 26th came. Norah arrived. I didn't lose her. She was given a complete bill of health. Labor was...bearable... :) My doctor wasn't there, but she was born anyway! I went into labor in the safety and the quietness of my own home with my husband safely beside me and he was the greatest birthing coach the world has ever seen.



but the moment she was born, the previous list was erased and a new one quickly took it's place. This list was significantly longer and seemed much more urgent and in need of great attention.



what if she stops breathing?

what if she won't eat?

what if she is diagnosed with a fatal disease?

what if i drop her?

what if i lock her in the car and can't get her out?

what if i fall down the stairs while holding her?

what if i can't get her to stop crying?

what if someone takes her?

what if she doesn't like me?

what if I'm a bad mom?

what if? what if? WHAT IF?



they ring in my ear every second of the day! most of the time they are drowned out by Norah's laughter.... or cries :). other times they are silenced by Denis whispering in my ear "you're an incredible mom" Other times they just don't matter because life is asking me to live it and live it to it's fullest potential. Fear and worry are not meant to be life's companions.



but last week... i faced one of those fears. looked at it dead in the face and it paralyzed me.



I locked Norah in the car. I still don't know exactly HOW it happened...but it happened none the less.



I walked outside (of my house) with Norah, purse and diaper bag in tow, and I pulled out my keys and pressed the unlock button. I walked over the passenger side and pulled open the passenger door, threw my purse on the seat and the keys into the drivers seat. Then i shut the door. I then preceded to open up the door to the back seat, put Norah's bag on the floor and set her inside. Shut the door. I walked around to my door and pulled the handle. Locked. Tried the back seat. Locked. Panic. Walked around to Norah's door. Locked. Passenger side.... locked. Paralyzed. Then I heard the screams. Not from Norah...they were my own. "no...no...no..no" after the shock wore off I turned and ran back into the house. I was sobbing. Denis jumped up from the couch (the fastest I've ever seen him move) and looked at me waiting for an explanation of my panic. "she's in the car. she's locked in the car. i can't get her out of the car!" He took a deep breath, found his key to my car, gave it to me and I ran out to the car to unlock the door. Norah was peacefully chewing on her blanket as her mother was losing her mind. As soon as the door was locked my dam of emotions broke. I cried like i don't ever remember crying before. Denis held me and calmly reminded me that we were all ok. Norah was ok.



Once I wiped away my tears and took a million deep breaths, I assured Denis I was able to drive and that I needed to go.

On that drive I was immediately transported back a few months to a conversation i had with some of my favorite ladies. My Amy (yes I said my Amy...she's mine) :) and i were walking down Park Ave. on our way to grab coffee with my Carrie and my Ashley :). She was telling me about a post that Bethany Chase had written on her blog of when she too went through a traumatic event as a mother. I remember the girls and I having a conversation about what we would do if tragedy struck our family. What if something happened to our babies? What if something happened to our husbands? Where would that leave the status of our hearts towards our Maker? It was after remembering that conversation that right there in my car, with Norah still peacefully unaware of my fear-come-reality moment, that I started giving God ultimatums. "If you take Norah from me then I'll.... If you take Denis from me then I'll.... If you take my parents or siblings from me then I'll...." I was never able to finish any of those sentences... but I felt like I was getting my point across. "God...You know I would be unable to go on living if you ever took one of them from me." Then right there, I felt the slightest yet most urgent nudge from the Lord reminding me of this one thing. "They don't belong to you."

This silenced me.

It isn't my job to protect Norah. It is my job to trust in the One who can. And I will gladly be His hands and feet in order to successfully keep Norah safe while we live life side by side.

God NEVER promised me that He wouldn't give me more than I can handle. But He did promise that Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. I will rest in that and pray that this, above all, will silence my fears and replace them with peace.

I know I am not perfect. I am hopelessly flawed. But I will remain constantly aware that the name of the Lord is a strong tower...the righteous run into it...and they are safe.

oh... and i will also remain constantly aware of where my keys are :)

Growing up so fast

I am unable to stop taking this little girls picture.... I think one of these days Denis is going to hide my camera so I can give this little girl a break. Here are just a few of the pictures I took tonight...just for fun :)

The Life of Norah

Norah Kathleen Johnson

Born on April 26, 2010 at 1:02 am. She weighed 7.1 lbs and measured 20.5 inches. In a matter of moments, our family was complete (for now....). She was perfect. Captured our hearts with just one look.

Bringing her home from the hospital was one of the scariest moments of my life. What if something happened...what if i couldn't do it...what if...what if...WHAT IF!? I soon decided to stop worrying about what COULD happen, and take things a day at a time... sometimes even just a moment at a time.

Soon we found our rhythm. We had a few rough patches though. She dealt with bad trapped gas for a few days, as well as getting her days and nights mixed up. Once we made it through past those few hurdles, she became a content and happy baby. (she still doesn't like to poop. it makes her real mad!)

It is hard to ever put into words just how deep of a love you have for your very own. I've heard it said that having a child is like having your heart outside of your chest... and that is exactly how being a mother feels. This tender, fragile, vital piece of you suddenly exposed to the scariness of this world. Everything i do, i do differently... Everything i feel, I feel differently. Suddenly life is lived in a drastically different way. Suddenly things that mattered before, don't matter as much.

I have even found that my love for Denis is so different. I feel like the moment that Norah was born that a piece of our hearts opened up. A piece that had been locked up and saved for that very moment. And suddenly there was a piece of him that I could fall in love with that no one had ever had the chance to love. It was one of the most intense feelings i have ever felt. It was like falling in love all over again.

Harmony is now not just my niece... she is my daughter's cousin. I love the way she asks to see her and to hold her and to "make her happy." She is so curious about this little person, yet doesn't understand why she can't get up and play on the playground with her. She is going to make a FANTASTIC big sister because she is already the greatest cousin.

Her personality is already starting to show. She is so expressive and already seems to want to grow up so fast. She is holding up her head so well and is my little mover and grover! if she is awake, she is moving! I'm so not ready for her to be mobile!

I hate to say it, but she is daddy's little girl. When she hears his voice, she immediately stops what she is doing (which isn't much...either eating or playing) and tries to locate his voice. She loves when he tickles her with his hair or kisses her cheeks. I too stop what I am doing to watch their interactions. I've been dreaming of these moments for so long that I want to soak in every moment. I've heard that go by so quickly.

We now wake up to her giggles in the morning. She lays in her crib and just laughs at herself. She usually doesn't seem to be in any rush to be taken out. But it is so hard not to! I go in there and scoop her up and snuggle her. Mornings are my favorite with her. I am going to miss them when i go back to working early mornings.

My baby girl is almost 10 weeks old. Just one year ago she was a prayer in my heart, and now she is my heart. I love you Norah. Mommy loves you so much....