Stream of Consciousness

I have been attempting to write a blog about South Africa for a few weeks now. I just can't seem to create a post that comes even close to equating with the experience that we had. I will continue to try though. But I fear it may never merit the moment when I can move my mouse over PUBLISH button. Only time will tell.

Speaking of South Africa. I will say that being away from my daughter for 13 days in a row was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I cried every night for a week straight leading up to the big "goodbye." Since I have been back home, being away from her for any period of time is difficult. When I drop her off in daycare now, I feel a tightening in my chest that leads to an intense longing to see her again. Most days I find an excuse to go and see her, but that usually ends badly...for both of us.

As Norah slowly creeps up on her 2nd birthday I am noticing just how rapidly she is changing and growing. I have finally come to grips with the fact that Norah shouldn't be wearing 18 month clothes anymore... getting out her 24 month clothes means I have to admit that she isn't a baby anymore. In two short years this little human being has developed an incredible ability to increase my ability to love. 11 years ago, when I finally gave into my heart and let myself admit that I was completely in love with Denis, I never thought I could love more than I did in that moment. That 11-year-ago love would be put to shame if it ever met the 11-years-and-growing love that I feel now for my husband. But this love that I feel for Norah has caught me completely by surprise. It holds such great power. It was that power that caused me to cry every night leading up to Africa. It is that power that causes me to leap to her rescue every time she falls or even looks like she might fall. It is that love that makes me want to kiss every boo-boo (even the fake ones), wipe every tear, buy every new toy, do something "one more time" just cause she asked, and it's that powerful love that makes me finally believe that punishing my child really does hurt me more than it hurts her! I love that girl more than I will ever be able to show her or tell her. It makes me doubt my ability to love another child as much as I love her. I know that when that day comes ( a day that will not happen  in the next 10 months or less) that that ability to love another little child will be awakened. There is a whole lot of love stored up somewhere that is kept just for them.

As Norah is growing, so are her opinions. The other morning she was with her dad and he was attempting to get her dressed. About 3 feet from where they were sitting was a little blue basketball. Norah wanted that ball. Norah did not want to get dressed. Do you see where this is going? Yeah... it immediately became a situation. As I watched this battle of wills unfold, I attempted to become Denis' ally. So I told Norah, "After you get your shirt on, you can have the ball." "Norah, if you just sit still and let daddy get you dressed you can play with the ball." "Norah! you could have been playing with the ball for 5 minutes already if you would just put the shirt on!"  I didn't say I was a good ally... In fact I'm pretty positive I didn't help the situation at all. But it made me think.  How often is that the way we are with the Lord? Isn't that what happened to the Israelites? They saw what they wanted and tried to take it before they were ready. I could write an entire book on how many times I was distracted by what I wanted and tried to take it while God was trying to wrestle my will down and get me ready to actually have what He was saying I could have but only when I was ready. And we wonder why at times the Lord doesn't let us see what He has even though we pray to see  a "glimpse" or a "piece" of His bigger plan. Because he knows we can be so distracted by that "blue basketball" or that "land flowing with milk and honey" that we will become impatient with His attempts to prepare us for it.

Speaking of preparing. We are in full swing of prepping for our Easter service! I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that this year at The Father's House we are only having ONE service! ONE BIG CELEBRATION! We have rented out the Blue Cross Arena and for the first time since I have been on staff we, as an entire church, will be under one roof! I want to cry just thinking about it. When Denis first told me that it was being considered he said "Ok, I want your first reaction. Ready? Easter: Blue Cross Arena." I said "Yes!..... NOOOO!" The "Yes!" was because how cool is that!! The "NOOOO" was because what a huge risk that is for me to "get it right." Yes. I know this isn't about me. Not even a little bit about me. But I felt like... oh gosh... I could mess this up real bad...and in front of 10,000 people. But again. Not about me. Not even close. So I immediately went back to "YES!" and I have been insanely excited about it as the vision and plans seem to unfold right before us. I am so incredibly thankful for the my pastors and leaders. They are running hard and are determined to make Jesus' name more famous in this city. I am humbled to play a part.

This Saturday I am going to see Hunger Games in the theater. I would embarrass myself if I actually went into detail about how much this excites me. I am crazy about this book series. I am going to see it with my "Net." I think the fact that I get to spend a few hours with them is what I am MOST excited about! (That and Panara... and popcorn... and PEETA!) ok. I'll stop now.

After becoming a mom and having a little family makes me realize just how incredibly lucky I am to have been raised by the most incredible woman and man on this earth. And how lucky I am to have 3 incredible siblings. If everything in my life where to suddenly get turned upside-down. If every friend I had walked away...my family would be there. No questions asked. I am so incredibly thankful for them.

April is a big birthday month for me. Not only is it my birthday month and Norah's, but so many of my friends and family. I am excited that Baby K will soon be added to that list! I asked Gracie today "Is mommy having a girl or a boy?" she said "mommy's havin' a baby" I asked again "but is it a brother or a sister?" "It's a baby" she said. What a smart little goo she is :)

For the first time in I don't even know, my husband is upstairs in bed before I am. So I am going to hit "publish" and join him. Thanks for letting me ramble. Sometimes a girls just gotta ramble.