"You don't need strength to let go of something. What you need is understanding" -Guy Finley
Before you continue reading I ask one simple thing: Don't judge me.
Last week something happened that made me question a lot. One event sent me on a emotional and mental spiral that I am still trying to pull myself out of.
I have always battled with fear. It is a flaw in my emotional makeup. But the moment I found out that I was going to be a mother, a whole new list of fears etched itself into my mind and worry made itself at home in my heart.
Fears such as:
will i lose this baby?
will there be something seriously wrong?
will labor be unbearable? :)
will my doctor be there to deliver?
will I go into labor while driving, or teaching, or God forbid while leading worship? ( this was my silliest and most selfish of the fears)
and the list went on. But April 26th came. Norah arrived. I didn't lose her. She was given a complete bill of health. Labor was...bearable... :) My doctor wasn't there, but she was born anyway! I went into labor in the safety and the quietness of my own home with my husband safely beside me and he was the greatest birthing coach the world has ever seen.
but the moment she was born, the previous list was erased and a new one quickly took it's place. This list was significantly longer and seemed much more urgent and in need of great attention.
what if she stops breathing?
what if she won't eat?
what if she is diagnosed with a fatal disease?
what if i drop her?
what if i lock her in the car and can't get her out?
what if i fall down the stairs while holding her?
what if i can't get her to stop crying?
what if someone takes her?
what if she doesn't like me?
what if I'm a bad mom?
what if? what if? WHAT IF?
they ring in my ear every second of the day! most of the time they are drowned out by Norah's laughter.... or cries :). other times they are silenced by Denis whispering in my ear "you're an incredible mom" Other times they just don't matter because life is asking me to live it and live it to it's fullest potential. Fear and worry are not meant to be life's companions.
but last week... i faced one of those fears. looked at it dead in the face and it paralyzed me.
I locked Norah in the car. I still don't know exactly HOW it happened...but it happened none the less.
I walked outside (of my house) with Norah, purse and diaper bag in tow, and I pulled out my keys and pressed the unlock button. I walked over the passenger side and pulled open the passenger door, threw my purse on the seat and the keys into the drivers seat. Then i shut the door. I then preceded to open up the door to the back seat, put Norah's bag on the floor and set her inside. Shut the door. I walked around to my door and pulled the handle. Locked. Tried the back seat. Locked. Panic. Walked around to Norah's door. Locked. Passenger side.... locked. Paralyzed. Then I heard the screams. Not from Norah...they were my own. "no...no...no..no" after the shock wore off I turned and ran back into the house. I was sobbing. Denis jumped up from the couch (the fastest I've ever seen him move) and looked at me waiting for an explanation of my panic. "she's in the car. she's locked in the car. i can't get her out of the car!" He took a deep breath, found his key to my car, gave it to me and I ran out to the car to unlock the door. Norah was peacefully chewing on her blanket as her mother was losing her mind. As soon as the door was locked my dam of emotions broke. I cried like i don't ever remember crying before. Denis held me and calmly reminded me that we were all ok. Norah was ok.
Once I wiped away my tears and took a million deep breaths, I assured Denis I was able to drive and that I needed to go.
On that drive I was immediately transported back a few months to a conversation i had with some of my favorite ladies. My Amy (yes I said my Amy...she's mine) :) and i were walking down Park Ave. on our way to grab coffee with my Carrie and my Ashley :). She was telling me about a post that Bethany Chase had written on her blog of when she too went through a traumatic event as a mother. I remember the girls and I having a conversation about what we would do if tragedy struck our family. What if something happened to our babies? What if something happened to our husbands? Where would that leave the status of our hearts towards our Maker? It was after remembering that conversation that right there in my car, with Norah still peacefully unaware of my fear-come-reality moment, that I started giving God ultimatums. "If you take Norah from me then I'll.... If you take Denis from me then I'll.... If you take my parents or siblings from me then I'll...." I was never able to finish any of those sentences... but I felt like I was getting my point across. "God...You know I would be unable to go on living if you ever took one of them from me." Then right there, I felt the slightest yet most urgent nudge from the Lord reminding me of this one thing. "They don't belong to you."
This silenced me.
It isn't my job to protect Norah. It is my job to trust in the One who can. And I will gladly be His hands and feet in order to successfully keep Norah safe while we live life side by side.
God NEVER promised me that He wouldn't give me more than I can handle. But He did promise that Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. I will rest in that and pray that this, above all, will silence my fears and replace them with peace.
I know I am not perfect. I am hopelessly flawed. But I will remain constantly aware that the name of the Lord is a strong tower...the righteous run into it...and they are safe.
oh... and i will also remain constantly aware of where my keys are :)
Friday, October 01, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Growing up so fast
I am unable to stop taking this little girls picture.... I think one of these days Denis is going to hide my camera so I can give this little girl a break. Here are just a few of the pictures I took tonight...just for fun :)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Life of Norah
Norah Kathleen JohnsonBorn on April 26, 2010 at 1:02 am. She weighed 7.1 lbs and measured 20.5 inches. In a matter of moments, our family was complete (for now....). She was perfect. Captured our hearts with just one look.
Bringing her home from the hospital was one of the scariest moments of my life. What if something happened...what if i couldn't do it...what if...what if...WHAT IF!? I soon decided to stop worrying about what COULD happen, and take things a day at a time... sometimes even just a moment at a time.
Soon we found our rhythm. We had a few rough patches though. She dealt with bad trapped gas for a few days, as well as getting her days and nights mixed up. Once we made it through past those few hurdles, she became a content and happy baby. (she still doesn't like to poop. it makes her real mad!)
It is hard to ever put into words just how deep of a love you have for your very own. I've heard it said that having a child is like having your heart outside of your chest... and that is exactly how being a mother feels. This tender, fragile, vital piece of you suddenly exposed to the scariness of this world. Everything i do, i do differently... Everything i feel, I feel differently. Suddenly life is lived in a drastically different way. Suddenly things that mattered before, don't matter as much.
I have even found that my love for Denis is so different. I feel like the moment that Norah was born that a piece of our hearts opened up. A piece that had been locked up and saved for that very moment. And suddenly there was a piece of him that I could fall in love with that no one had ever had the chance to love. It was one of the most intense feelings i have ever felt. It was like falling in love all over again.
Harmony is now not just my niece... she is my daughter's cousin. I love the way she asks to see her and to hold her and to "make her happy." She is so curious about this little person, yet doesn't understand why she can't get up and play on the playground with her. She is going to make a FANTASTIC big sister because she is already the greatest cousin.
Her personality is already starting to show. She is so expressive and already seems to want to grow up so fast. She is holding up her head so well and is my little mover and grover! if she is awake, she is moving! I'm so not ready for her to be mobile!
I hate to say it, but she is daddy's little girl. When she hears his voice, she immediately stops what she is doing (which isn't much...either eating or playing) and tries to locate his voice. She loves when he tickles her with his hair or kisses her cheeks. I too stop what I am doing to watch their interactions. I've been dreaming of these moments for so long that I want to soak in every moment. I've heard that go by so quickly.
We now wake up to her giggles in the morning. She lays in her crib and just laughs at herself. She usually doesn't seem to be in any rush to be taken out. But it is so hard not to! I go in there and scoop her up and snuggle her. Mornings are my favorite with her. I am going to miss them when i go back to working early mornings.
It is hard to ever put into words just how deep of a love you have for your very own. I've heard it said that having a child is like having your heart outside of your chest... and that is exactly how being a mother feels. This tender, fragile, vital piece of you suddenly exposed to the scariness of this world. Everything i do, i do differently... Everything i feel, I feel differently. Suddenly life is lived in a drastically different way. Suddenly things that mattered before, don't matter as much.
I have even found that my love for Denis is so different. I feel like the moment that Norah was born that a piece of our hearts opened up. A piece that had been locked up and saved for that very moment. And suddenly there was a piece of him that I could fall in love with that no one had ever had the chance to love. It was one of the most intense feelings i have ever felt. It was like falling in love all over again.
Harmony is now not just my niece... she is my daughter's cousin. I love the way she asks to see her and to hold her and to "make her happy." She is so curious about this little person, yet doesn't understand why she can't get up and play on the playground with her. She is going to make a FANTASTIC big sister because she is already the greatest cousin.
Her personality is already starting to show. She is so expressive and already seems to want to grow up so fast. She is holding up her head so well and is my little mover and grover! if she is awake, she is moving! I'm so not ready for her to be mobile!
I hate to say it, but she is daddy's little girl. When she hears his voice, she immediately stops what she is doing (which isn't much...either eating or playing) and tries to locate his voice. She loves when he tickles her with his hair or kisses her cheeks. I too stop what I am doing to watch their interactions. I've been dreaming of these moments for so long that I want to soak in every moment. I've heard that go by so quickly.
We now wake up to her giggles in the morning. She lays in her crib and just laughs at herself. She usually doesn't seem to be in any rush to be taken out. But it is so hard not to! I go in there and scoop her up and snuggle her. Mornings are my favorite with her. I am going to miss them when i go back to working early mornings.
Friday, June 18, 2010
FAQ's
*insert apology for it taking me this long to blog again...i've been a little busy :)
Now that that's out of the way
It is so strange to read my last post seeing how it was only hours after that i went into labor! Crazy. seriously crazy looking back and reading how my life was when i was pregnant. all the fears and anxiety i had leading up to labor suddenly seems to small and silly. i won't bore you all with all the details of my labor and how these last 8 weeks have treated me, instead i will post the answers to my most frequently asked questions and hope that gives you a snapshot to life with Norah "Kate".
How long was your labor?
- 49 hrs. (need i say more)
Did labor hurt?
- yes. yes it did.
Did you get drugs?
You bet i did. practically begged for them. wouldn't you after 40 hours of labor?
Did your epidural take?
yes, but only on my right side. i had to lay on my left side in order for the pain to subside. it was magical.
Did you deliver naturally or C-Section?
Naturally- pushed for just over 20 minutes. (she was apparently FINALLY in a rush to show her face. wished she had felt that way about 30 HOURS SOONER!) but i will admit, i did ask for a c-section because i was so scared to push.
Who was in the room?
Denis, my mom and my mother-in-law. Allison and Rachel joined us as soon as Norah arrived. It was perfect. Then soon after those that were waiting all night (thanks for sticking around friends!) came in to meet Norah. It was perfectly perfect. Only a few people i wish could have been there. I would have loved for John, Pierre, Marlize, Matt, Josh and my Dad to be there. Oh, and i wish my doctor could have delivered Norah. but he had a family emergency to tend to...so we'll forgive him :)
What was your first reaction when she was born?
i squealed like a little girl. i screamed "MY BABY! THAT'S MY BABY!" and pretty much begged them to let me see her. Then the first thing i said to her was: "Hi! you look just like your ultrasound picture!!!" (wish it was something a little bit more sentimental, but that's just what came blurting out!)
Do you love being a mom?
Yes. Absolutely. Best thing ever. i don't know how i ever lived life without her.... didn't think i could love THAT much so quickly. I devote my life to protecting her life and her heart.
Has it been hard?
yes. it has had it's really challenging moments. I echo Amy in saying that it draws out your deepest fears and insecurities. I constantly second guess myself and my parental decisions. I thought i knew how to be a mom...but boy was i wrong. everything you think you know goes out the door when it is your own child. Someone else's child crying doesn't bother me, but if my baby cries for even a second, it paralyzes me...but i will admit, it gets easier everyday.
What has been your favorite part about being a mom?
I don't think it is possible to choose a moment or a specific part. I love being a family of 3. Just when i thought i couldn't love my husband anymore, he became the father to my baby. It was like falling in love all over again. My heart would skip a beat when he pulled into the driveway. I love our cuddle time as a family. I love watching him hold her and kiss her and call her "woman" when she is demanding to eat NOW. I love the way she smiles at him and giggles when his hair tickles her skin. It's the little things i love the most...
Are you breast feeding?
I was. I did for the first 5 weeks before she went onto formula. Then we did both for a while. Now it is just formula. It's just what works for us. I miss it though.
Is she sleeping through the night?
She normally wakes only once in the middle of the night to eat, then again early morning. I take the middle of the night and denis takes the early morning shift. But i am excited to say that she slept for 8 HOURS STRAIGHT last night! Trying not to get my hopes up that it will keep happening that way, but it was exciting. But boy was she hungry this morning. She was letting out cries and yells like i had never heard while Denis was getting her bottle ready. I heard him walk into her room and say "woman, calm yourself down." i giggled to myself and then rolled over and went back to sleep. I have a great husband.
Is she a good baby?
The best :)
Are you back to work?
Yes. I went back to work on the 7th, but only part time. i don't start full time until next week. it has been a great way to transition slowly back to work. But i have missed it...i will admit that.
Where does Norah go while you are at work?
She goes right up stairs to daycare. I love that she is in the same building as me. I visit her often. More often then i think i should. and when i can't get up to visit her, i send mattie to check on her. i'm THAT mom. not ashamed of it either :)
Are you back to singing at church?
Yep and LOVING it. My mother in law watches her for the morning. She was been an incredible help! Very thankful for her.
Do you miss being pregnant?
desperately...may sound weird, but i just LOVED being pregnant. I get a little emotional when i see woman who are pregnant. On a side note, i can't WAIT until Rachel is about 8 month and i get to torture her the way she tortured me while i was pregnant. watch out rosie :)
When will you start trying to have another?
That's for Denis and I to decide :)
If i didn't answer any questions that you might have, go ahead and ask, i'll do my best to answer them.
Now that that's out of the way
It is so strange to read my last post seeing how it was only hours after that i went into labor! Crazy. seriously crazy looking back and reading how my life was when i was pregnant. all the fears and anxiety i had leading up to labor suddenly seems to small and silly. i won't bore you all with all the details of my labor and how these last 8 weeks have treated me, instead i will post the answers to my most frequently asked questions and hope that gives you a snapshot to life with Norah "Kate".
How long was your labor?
- 49 hrs. (need i say more)
Did labor hurt?
- yes. yes it did.
Did you get drugs?
You bet i did. practically begged for them. wouldn't you after 40 hours of labor?
Did your epidural take?
yes, but only on my right side. i had to lay on my left side in order for the pain to subside. it was magical.
Did you deliver naturally or C-Section?
Naturally- pushed for just over 20 minutes. (she was apparently FINALLY in a rush to show her face. wished she had felt that way about 30 HOURS SOONER!) but i will admit, i did ask for a c-section because i was so scared to push.
Who was in the room?
Denis, my mom and my mother-in-law. Allison and Rachel joined us as soon as Norah arrived. It was perfect. Then soon after those that were waiting all night (thanks for sticking around friends!) came in to meet Norah. It was perfectly perfect. Only a few people i wish could have been there. I would have loved for John, Pierre, Marlize, Matt, Josh and my Dad to be there. Oh, and i wish my doctor could have delivered Norah. but he had a family emergency to tend to...so we'll forgive him :)
What was your first reaction when she was born?
i squealed like a little girl. i screamed "MY BABY! THAT'S MY BABY!" and pretty much begged them to let me see her. Then the first thing i said to her was: "Hi! you look just like your ultrasound picture!!!" (wish it was something a little bit more sentimental, but that's just what came blurting out!)
Do you love being a mom?
Yes. Absolutely. Best thing ever. i don't know how i ever lived life without her.... didn't think i could love THAT much so quickly. I devote my life to protecting her life and her heart.
Has it been hard?
yes. it has had it's really challenging moments. I echo Amy in saying that it draws out your deepest fears and insecurities. I constantly second guess myself and my parental decisions. I thought i knew how to be a mom...but boy was i wrong. everything you think you know goes out the door when it is your own child. Someone else's child crying doesn't bother me, but if my baby cries for even a second, it paralyzes me...but i will admit, it gets easier everyday.
What has been your favorite part about being a mom?
I don't think it is possible to choose a moment or a specific part. I love being a family of 3. Just when i thought i couldn't love my husband anymore, he became the father to my baby. It was like falling in love all over again. My heart would skip a beat when he pulled into the driveway. I love our cuddle time as a family. I love watching him hold her and kiss her and call her "woman" when she is demanding to eat NOW. I love the way she smiles at him and giggles when his hair tickles her skin. It's the little things i love the most...
Are you breast feeding?
I was. I did for the first 5 weeks before she went onto formula. Then we did both for a while. Now it is just formula. It's just what works for us. I miss it though.
Is she sleeping through the night?
She normally wakes only once in the middle of the night to eat, then again early morning. I take the middle of the night and denis takes the early morning shift. But i am excited to say that she slept for 8 HOURS STRAIGHT last night! Trying not to get my hopes up that it will keep happening that way, but it was exciting. But boy was she hungry this morning. She was letting out cries and yells like i had never heard while Denis was getting her bottle ready. I heard him walk into her room and say "woman, calm yourself down." i giggled to myself and then rolled over and went back to sleep. I have a great husband.
Is she a good baby?
The best :)
Are you back to work?
Yes. I went back to work on the 7th, but only part time. i don't start full time until next week. it has been a great way to transition slowly back to work. But i have missed it...i will admit that.
Where does Norah go while you are at work?
She goes right up stairs to daycare. I love that she is in the same building as me. I visit her often. More often then i think i should. and when i can't get up to visit her, i send mattie to check on her. i'm THAT mom. not ashamed of it either :)
Are you back to singing at church?
Yep and LOVING it. My mother in law watches her for the morning. She was been an incredible help! Very thankful for her.
Do you miss being pregnant?
desperately...may sound weird, but i just LOVED being pregnant. I get a little emotional when i see woman who are pregnant. On a side note, i can't WAIT until Rachel is about 8 month and i get to torture her the way she tortured me while i was pregnant. watch out rosie :)
When will you start trying to have another?
That's for Denis and I to decide :)
If i didn't answer any questions that you might have, go ahead and ask, i'll do my best to answer them.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Home Stretch
So here I am... in the home stretch. As each day passes and we get closer and closer to Norah's due date, I grow more and more excited to meet my daughter. I will be honest though, I grow more and more scared as well. Not just scared of labor and the pain it is sure to bring, but of the uncertainty of motherhood. I keep reminding myself that I only need to take things a day at a time. I also find extreme comfort in knowing that I am surrounded by people who love me and are ready to help me find my way though this brand new world I am about to enter. Denis and I are beyond excited to welcome Norah into the world. Even now as I type, i am sitting only an arms length away from her baby swing. I find myself just sitting next to it and daydreaming about her being snug inside taking in the world. Her nursery is finally finished and it is all I ever hoped it would be. When we first found out we were pregnant we looked at all the baby stores and just couldn't find a nursery style we both liked. So we decided that we would just take to designing our own! Before we even new she was a she we new exactly what colors we wanted: red, orange, yellow and green. If we had found out she was actually a he, we were going to decorate in stripes and dots, but for a girl we would do flowers. Soon after we knew we were carrying a girl I went to Pier 1 and found 3 flower paintings. I knew this is how i wanted to decorate her nursery. So we went from there. My mom and I chose all the fabric and chose a quilt design. This room would have never come together if it hadn't been for my mother. She made the quilt and the roman shades. I will be sure Norah knows just how much work her Grammie put into her first room. Rachel played a huge part in the nursery coming together as well. She and Mattie painted the room, and she was my master organizer! Here are just a few pictures of her room.
Tomorrow I am officially 40 weeks pregnant....April 24th is my official due date. I am 90% positive that I will see tomorrow come and go from the luxury of my own home :) But there is always hope that she will come right on time! I have LOVED being pregnant. I am really going to miss it... I love watching her move, and feeling her hiccups, and listening to hear heart beat. I know the last time that I wrote about my pregnancy I gave you an update on how my first two trimesters went. Here is a little snap shot at the last 10 weeks or so.
-This is me at 38 weeks. She has sat quite high my entire pregnancy...and much to my dismay is still doing so. Come on Norah, drop already!Food Cravings:
- Apples and Cheese! It is my FAVORITE snack...and sometimes meal :)
- Ice. I find myself at night filling a glass with ice, adding a little bit of water... but really all i want is the ice. I know it is terrible for your teeth, but i just love it. I am pretty sure it drives Denis crazy when i do it, but he never says anything! :) So i will continue to feed my habit.
- Cheerios. I have Honey Nut Cheerios every morning. It is a wonderful way to start my day.
The Up side of this trimester:
- No more sucking in my gut :) plain and simple. Maybe other woman will understand this... maybe I'm just weird.
- Bath's. I guess i could have taken a bath anytime before now, but i never had an interest. Now i find myself NEEDING one every night. I told Denis i think it is all a mind game. But i just done care :)
- I love the way Denis cares for me. Sometimes he gets a little crazy on me, like when it is midnight and i am folding laundry and trying to clean. He gets quite stern with me and uses his daddy voice. Norah is in for it.
- Nesting! My house has never been so clean. I have cleaned floors on my hands and knees. My mom and sister graciously attacked my basement and turned a very scary place into a delightful space. Dishes are always done. Laundry is being kept up with. Floors are vacuumed. Closets are organized. It is a beautiful thing. Does this go away? I sort of hope it doesn't. I don't mind these cleaning urges at all... I guess i could just be better at cleaning if these nesting urges go away... we'll see how it goes. :)
- I love being a part of this miracle. I thank God everyday for choosing me to be Norah's mommy. I pray i never take it for granted.
- Being able to go through all this with Rachel. I missed so much of her pregnancy with Harmony. To be able to walk through these past 9 months with my best friend has been indescribable. I can't wait to spoil her as much as she has spoiled me. I pray Norah (Dora) and Harmony will be best friends too.
The "down" side of this Trimester:
- Being diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes... As if the tests aren't bad enough, the diet that follows is worse. I have had to give up Pizza, sweets, Mountain Dew, bread, pasta and juice. I have found the foods I can eat that don't effect my blood sugar too much, but eating those same foods over and over again gets pretty boring! I find myself needing to "cheat" every once and a while just to treat myself, but I still make sure that it isn't making my sugar go nuts. I think the worst part of it all is testing my blood sugar 4 times a day. It got real old real fast. I can't wait till i can stop pricking myself! Lame.
- I have always been a belly sleeper, so having this huge belly has become pretty inconvenient! I wake up each night with a lot of hip pain. I toss and turn all night trying to give my hips a rest. When I get out of bed each morning, it takes everything in me to be able to walk to the bathroom. But i am thankful that i haven't had any back pain or leg cramps. But I dream about the day i can lay on my stomach again!
- waiting. enough said.
Final Thoughts:
- As anxious as I am to meet my sweet girl (and to get labor over with), I have become completely content in knowing that the Lord knows. He knows the perfect day and the precise moment she will show her face. He has prepared me for this moment and will give me the grace to walk the journey it will take to get her here. At some point in time in this next week, Denis and I become a family of 3. Denis, Rebecca and Norah Johnson. Seeing it in writing is makes my heart leap.
Here's hoping that the next time i post, it is all things Norah Kathleen Johnson :)
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
stream of consciousness
It's all the rage! Both Amy and Rachel have recently posted their "stream of consciousness" and I found them both quite to be quite enlightening, not to mention very raw and honest. I'm feeling in the mood to be just that.
Denis spoke a few months ago at church and gave a statistic that you can talk up to 1500 words a minute in your head. I have no doubt that there have been days where i have exceeded that statistic. I find that i can't seem to shut my brain off at night. I run through the happenings of the day, pick apart my decisions, think about my schedule for the next day. But all roads always lead to the same thing....being a mom. I think about what labor will be like. Will i be in labor long? How bad will it hurt? I think about what is the worst physical pain I have ever been in and i honestly cannot remember a time where i was in excruciating physical pain. So basically i have nothing to compare it to. That makes me freak out just a tad... I am not good at handling pain. Emotional or physical. so....labor should be interesting. I also lay awake thinking about what she will look like. From our last ultrasound, she looks just like her daddy. So now i think "I hope she has darker skin...i hope she doesn't stay creamy white like her mom but have these dominate black features. Will i be able to do her hair? Will it be straight like mine, or curly like Denis? I spend HOURS thinking about her. I usually don't mind being consumed with thoughts about her until my alarm goes off and i have had less than 4 hrs of sleep. That puts a damper on my day. Then i feel her kick and the world seems tolerable again.
I took my 3 hr glucose test today. The not eating part wasn't so bad cause i had in my head that i only have to go 12 hrs. Most of that time was spend sleeping anyway. Then i realized that not only did i have to go 12 hrs, but then i had to go 3 more hrs and the only thing i had in my stomach was sugar. By the 3rd hour i was incredibly light headed and very sleepy. I couldn't read, i couldn't look at my computer screen, i couldn't text anyone, my eyes just wouldn't focus. So i called my mom to pass the time, then i called Rachel to see if she would come and drive me back. Didn't think it was smart to get behind the wheel while feeling that way. More for Norah's sake than mine. Where did i go once the test was over? Marks Pizzeria. I downed a slice with a Mountain Dew. Lets pray i pass :)
I have my first baby shower this weekend. I am really excited about it! This shower is being thrown by my mother in law. She is so excited about being a grandmother. I really couldn't ask for better in laws. I simply adore them and i am so excited to be making them grandparents. My father in law has been a big pile of mush for about 8 months now. I think it is simply adorable. I am so thankful both sets of Norah's grandparents live so close. My Grammie and Poppie lived so far away growing up and that was always so hard. So i am glad Norah will have all 4 of them so close by.
Stretch marks have found themselves quite at home on my belly as of late. Only had two up until last week. That is definitely no longer the case. Might as well give all my bikini's to good will now.
I hate when Rachel keeps secrets. She and Christy are making me crazy. All their secret text and secret plans and secret code words are giving me high blood pressure. I figure the shower is really for Norah, so i promise not to tell her anything. Deal?
We have birthing classes on Thursday nights. The other day denis and i were discussing "the big day" and i told him i think i want him to sit behind me while i push. That way he can help me with my back support and plus it would be nice to lean back on him when i'm not pushing. Also, that keeps him a good distance away from what is happening "down there" which is what he prefers. So we discussed this option and he decided it would be incredibly sensitive to say "But won't i get hot and uncomfortable back there?" Really?!?!?!? HE is worried about being hot and uncomfortable. I just stared at him. There was nothing to say in that moment. Pretty sure everything i could say was already written all over my face. Don't worry dear, I'll get you ice chips if you get hot.
Now that i have bashed him, i must say that he is quite the dad already. He has been a very involved dad and husband for this entire pregnancy. He researched everything before we registered. He is the one who gets the emails from "what to expect.com" and he has helped make every decision about how her room will look, who our doctor will be, what hospital we would deliver at, and he also keeps asking me to take maternity pictures. He talks to Norah all the time now. When i get out of bed he says "good morning" and i say "good morning babe" and he'll say " i wasn't talking to you." I am always reminding him that he loved me first and that i will always be his first baby girl. I love that man so much. I can't wait until the moment Norah is placed in his arms. A memory i'm sure i will always keep close.
John Keller might be the most ridiculous Facebook user ever. When i'm on the computer denis always asks "what are you smiling at" My answer is almost always "john." Denis finds great amusement in his status updates as well. We often find ourselves asking "did you see what john wrote?" Absolute entertainment.
Harmony thinks my daughter's name is Dora. And apparently boots is up in there somewhere too. I joke that when Harmony meets her for the first time she will say "HOLA!" I love that little girl so much.
7 1/2 weeks to go. No turning back now. Not that i want to :) I can't wait to kiss my sweet girls face.
Denis spoke a few months ago at church and gave a statistic that you can talk up to 1500 words a minute in your head. I have no doubt that there have been days where i have exceeded that statistic. I find that i can't seem to shut my brain off at night. I run through the happenings of the day, pick apart my decisions, think about my schedule for the next day. But all roads always lead to the same thing....being a mom. I think about what labor will be like. Will i be in labor long? How bad will it hurt? I think about what is the worst physical pain I have ever been in and i honestly cannot remember a time where i was in excruciating physical pain. So basically i have nothing to compare it to. That makes me freak out just a tad... I am not good at handling pain. Emotional or physical. so....labor should be interesting. I also lay awake thinking about what she will look like. From our last ultrasound, she looks just like her daddy. So now i think "I hope she has darker skin...i hope she doesn't stay creamy white like her mom but have these dominate black features. Will i be able to do her hair? Will it be straight like mine, or curly like Denis? I spend HOURS thinking about her. I usually don't mind being consumed with thoughts about her until my alarm goes off and i have had less than 4 hrs of sleep. That puts a damper on my day. Then i feel her kick and the world seems tolerable again.
I took my 3 hr glucose test today. The not eating part wasn't so bad cause i had in my head that i only have to go 12 hrs. Most of that time was spend sleeping anyway. Then i realized that not only did i have to go 12 hrs, but then i had to go 3 more hrs and the only thing i had in my stomach was sugar. By the 3rd hour i was incredibly light headed and very sleepy. I couldn't read, i couldn't look at my computer screen, i couldn't text anyone, my eyes just wouldn't focus. So i called my mom to pass the time, then i called Rachel to see if she would come and drive me back. Didn't think it was smart to get behind the wheel while feeling that way. More for Norah's sake than mine. Where did i go once the test was over? Marks Pizzeria. I downed a slice with a Mountain Dew. Lets pray i pass :)
I have my first baby shower this weekend. I am really excited about it! This shower is being thrown by my mother in law. She is so excited about being a grandmother. I really couldn't ask for better in laws. I simply adore them and i am so excited to be making them grandparents. My father in law has been a big pile of mush for about 8 months now. I think it is simply adorable. I am so thankful both sets of Norah's grandparents live so close. My Grammie and Poppie lived so far away growing up and that was always so hard. So i am glad Norah will have all 4 of them so close by.
Stretch marks have found themselves quite at home on my belly as of late. Only had two up until last week. That is definitely no longer the case. Might as well give all my bikini's to good will now.
I hate when Rachel keeps secrets. She and Christy are making me crazy. All their secret text and secret plans and secret code words are giving me high blood pressure. I figure the shower is really for Norah, so i promise not to tell her anything. Deal?
We have birthing classes on Thursday nights. The other day denis and i were discussing "the big day" and i told him i think i want him to sit behind me while i push. That way he can help me with my back support and plus it would be nice to lean back on him when i'm not pushing. Also, that keeps him a good distance away from what is happening "down there" which is what he prefers. So we discussed this option and he decided it would be incredibly sensitive to say "But won't i get hot and uncomfortable back there?" Really?!?!?!? HE is worried about being hot and uncomfortable. I just stared at him. There was nothing to say in that moment. Pretty sure everything i could say was already written all over my face. Don't worry dear, I'll get you ice chips if you get hot.
Now that i have bashed him, i must say that he is quite the dad already. He has been a very involved dad and husband for this entire pregnancy. He researched everything before we registered. He is the one who gets the emails from "what to expect.com" and he has helped make every decision about how her room will look, who our doctor will be, what hospital we would deliver at, and he also keeps asking me to take maternity pictures. He talks to Norah all the time now. When i get out of bed he says "good morning" and i say "good morning babe" and he'll say " i wasn't talking to you." I am always reminding him that he loved me first and that i will always be his first baby girl. I love that man so much. I can't wait until the moment Norah is placed in his arms. A memory i'm sure i will always keep close.
John Keller might be the most ridiculous Facebook user ever. When i'm on the computer denis always asks "what are you smiling at" My answer is almost always "john." Denis finds great amusement in his status updates as well. We often find ourselves asking "did you see what john wrote?" Absolute entertainment.
Harmony thinks my daughter's name is Dora. And apparently boots is up in there somewhere too. I joke that when Harmony meets her for the first time she will say "HOLA!" I love that little girl so much.
7 1/2 weeks to go. No turning back now. Not that i want to :) I can't wait to kiss my sweet girls face.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Babymoon
Here is a little overview of our Babymoon:
Day One:
Monday we spent most of our day at home since we couldn't check into our room until 3. We spent a few hours cleaning the house from top to bottom. i am kinda OCD when it comes to coming back to a clean house after a vacation. So once the house was clean, we packed the car and with huge smiles on our face, we left for vacation. For the first few miles we kept turning to each other to say "we're on vacation!" We were just a tad bit excited to be away. Once we arrived we unpacked and ordered in dinner. We sat by the fire and ate, talked and laughed. I knew right then it was going to be a great week.
Day Two:
We "slept in" ( i used to be able to sleep till noon and not even bat an eyelash about it, now anything past 8 is sleeping in). We had decided before we arrived that we weren't going to plan anything. We were just going to do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, even if that meant laying around in our room the entire day. This day we went to the coffee shop/bookstore that was just down the street. We had a great lunch then walked around the bookstore looking for a book denis wanted...no luck. We went back to our room, napped then woke up to go to our favorite restaurant, Rosalie's. It is an Italian place owned by the same people as Macaroni Grill. We eat here every time we are in town. It's that good. Afterwards we headed over to Mirbeau (a resort and spa) for our annual massages. I, of course, had a pre-natal massage. It was HEAVEN. For the first half and hour i was able to lay on my stomach. That was pampering enough for me! Another great day.
Day Three:
Slept in again :) We originally thought we would drive to Auburn to do some historical site seeing, but after being lazy all morning, we decided to just walk around Skaneateles to our "usual" spots. That evening we did drive to Auburn to see a movie. We really wanted to see Sherlock Homes, so we saw that Auburn had 2 theaters, we chose the theater based on the time of the show. So we headed out to the mall where the theater was. We got a little lost so we were about 5 min late for our show. We rushed in thinking we were only missing previews. We walked up to the ticket counter and asked for 2 tickets, to which she replied "sorry, we can't start the movie 5 minutes past the showtime." This really confused us, we didn't want her to start the movie over, we were ok with missing a little. Come to find out, no one showed up for the show so they wouldn't start it at all for us. So she told us we would have to go to the MoviePlex to catch the movie. We had time to drive there, so we ventured back out kinda disappointed that we were now seeing a really late show. But we figured we didn't have to get up for anything the next morning, so why not. Once we finally found the place, we walked up to the ticket counter and asked the young lady for 2 tickets. After paying we walked around the booth where the SAME girl tore our tickets. We walked up to the snack bar where the SAME girl served us our snacks...already a bit strange... then when we walked into our theater, we were the ONLY ones there. My first thought: this is where i am going to die. the only person who knows we are here is the girl at the counter(s). I looked over my shoulder the whole movie, even though eventually one other couple came in. I was still just a tad paranoid. But we lived :) PTL
Day Four:
Our last day in paradise. i took my final bath ( i took 7 total...loved our jacuzzi tub...) then we packed back up our car and drove back home. I fought a little bit of depression, but we had our ultrasound scheduled for 4:30, so that made things a little better! A friend of ours from church is an ultrasound tech and offered to give us an ultrasound anytime we wanted. We most definitely took her up on this offer so we could get one last peek at our little girl before we would be holding her! We were there for an hour and a half staring at her little face! BTW from the 3D pictures of her...she looks just like her daddy! Same nose and lips. Chubby little cheeks. Already has some hair. She is about 3 lbs and about 15 inches long. I couldn't get enough of her. We even have the whole thing on video. Our friend printed like 50 pictures of her! They say you have the most pictures of your first born. I am starting to believe that is very true. I love her so much. She is moving so much now. Sometimes it is slightly painful. But Denis said that even though at times it is uncomfortable for me or it may cause slight pain, that every time i tell him that she moved he thanks God. So keep movin' girlie. Mommy and Daddy LOVE you.
Day 5:
We had a doctors appointment in the AM, and found out that baby is doing great, but that i failed my glucose test with FLYING colors. So off to the three hour torture fest. BLAH. Pray i pass. I can't give up my white bread :) That afternoon we headed down to Corning to meet my big sister for dinner. We were playing at a Baptist Youth Retreat with Christopher Hopper down near her so we really wanted to see here since she was so close. Always love spending time with my family. Then off to the retreat center. What i loved the most about being there was being with the band. They are some of my favorite people to talk to, laugh with, and sing with. We spent all Saturday morning by the fire just talking about life. Getting parenting advise, joking around and snuggling with my future son-in-law (Judah Hopper).
I wouldn't even hesitate in saying that this was the best vacation we have ever taken. I am more in love with Denis now that i ever have been. I can't wait to share the rest of my life with him and norah (and with however many more children we are blessed with). I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. One day left of our vacation: Valentines Day. Perfect way to end a perfect week.
Here are a few pics from our trip.
Friday, February 05, 2010
Pregnancy Update
Looking down at my desk and seeing my calendar read "FEBRUARY" kind of freaks me out a bit! Where is the time going? January was a jam packed month filled joy, laughter, tears and pain. Highlights included the birth of Grace Makenah and Lily Sue, as well as our church's One Thing week. Denis and I also brought in the New Year in Watertown NY with the Christopher Hopper Band. We spent new years eve in a quite dorm room talking about what 2010 will bring, while watching TD Jakes online :) What may sound boring and lame, was actually the best new years eve. Just me, Denis and Norah. (and TD Jakes!)
Seeing how time is just flying by i thought i would give a little bit of a pregnancy update cause before i know it, she will be here! Don't think there will be much time for blogging once our little one arrives. (but I'll do my best, mom)
Here is an overview of being a human slow cooker for the past 7 months:
First Trimester:
How i told denis: To make a long story short...it was a Sunday and i was really sick. just didn't feel right all day and ended up throwing up in the evening while Denis was out with Larry for dinner. I asked him to come home since i didn't like being alone when i was sick. He walked in the door and asked me to take a pregnancy test. I refused. I was so sick of taking them and i didn't have any in the house anyway (purposely). I tried convincing him i just had a little bug and that i all i needed was soup and Gatorade. So he drove to the store, picked up soup, Gatorade and SIX pregnancy tests. There was no convincing this man otherwise, so against my will, i peed on those ridiculously expensive sticks! :) I put it on the window sill while i washed my hands. When i picked it back up just 60 seconds later and there were 2 bright pink lines. First reaction= freak out. i thought "i have to push this thing out!" second reaction= pure joy. a feeling i can't describe. Third reaction= dang it, i have to go in there and tell denis he was right. And that is just what i did. I walked into the living room where denis was listening to Stevie Wonder (so fitting)...he looked up and smiled (like he just knew) and i told him he was going to be a dad. He FREAKED and started saying "i knew it!" I crawled up on his lap and we just held each other. I wish i could have frozen that moment in time. We laid around on the couch the rest of the evening dreaming about our little baby.
Her first Nickname: Olive-- given by Rachel, Christy and then again by Meghan Moody. The reason behind the name, because she was only the size of an olive when we started telling people we were expecting. I loved it, Denis hated it. Never once called her Olive.
Favorite Food: nothing. absolutely nothing. i lost all sense of hunger and eating was a form of torture. I would cry at the thought of it.
Favorite memory: Seeing her for the first time. We had our first ultrasound at 10 weeks. Seeing her little self up on that screen was breath taking. watching her move....wow. i still am in awe of it all.
Least favorite memory: having to sleep downstairs for a month because the upstairs of our apartment made me sick...sounds weird...but it was true. and my incredible hubby slept next to me on our lounge just so he could be in the same room as me!
Things i avoided: The smell of coffee and anything from a cow (besides milk...which i drank ALL the time...) Both made me gag until i threw up. And of course, coffee and steak are 2 of denis's favorite things. I am so thankful for an understanding husband.
Hardest part: Having "night" sickness. I was fine all day. I was sick from 6pm to 7am.... like clockwork... but i did help that i wasn't sick at work or church. so that was a perk.
Second Trimester:
My first trimester i had convinced myself that i would never get pregnant again. My doctor promised me that i would start feeling better by week 14. I prayed he was right.
he was. at 14 weeks and 1 day, everything changed. Life was easier. Sleeping was possible. eating was...well...i never did regain my hunger, but when i had to eat, it was easier.
Favorite food: Pizza. (but that was no different than the last 28 years of my life) I also loved Raisin Bran. I would eat it every night for dinner.
Favorite Memory: Finding out she was a "she." Leading up to our ultrasound i was starting to get second thoughts about finding out. i just wasn't sure i wanted to know. But denis NEEDED to know (he is the planner of our family. he read all the books, got the weekly updates and researched everything before we registered..not your normal dad!). She didn't cooperate very well at our ultrasound. it look our tech a while to figure the sex out since she had her little lets tightly crossed. My little lady :) But when she said GIRL...my eyes filled with tears and i just stared at Denis trying to get a read on him. "i have a daughter" is all he said. it was all he needed to say. love him. I would also have to say that feeling her move is at the top of my favorites list. Now that she is bigger, it feels so incredibly crazy. but i still love it so much. Denis said i won't be saying that when i am 38 weeks pregnant and trying to sleep.
Least favorite memory: All the worrying. i shut down before every dr's appointment cause i was sure i would go in and get bad news. but with every visit the good reports kept coming. now i actually look forward to seeing the dr. (who we LOVE...we our dr. specifically so we could deliver at Unity. He is awesome. Denis and I are so pleased...).
Things I avoided: people's birthing stories. for me, ignorance is bliss. I keep telling myself that my body knows what to do, and my doctor knows what to do....there are only a few people i have asked... and even then, i don't go for the whole story. Amy has told me the most and i only pray i am as strong as she was through it all. I will have Denis take pointers from someone besides John though :) JUST KIDDING JOHN! (Arby's)
Hardest Part: having people ask me if this is my first....never quite sure how to answer that...
Third Trimester:
I have only been in my third trimester for a week now. That is still freaking me out a bit. I was telling Amy the other day that i am going to miss being pregnant. It is something i have grown to LOVE. The only time i feel "bothered" by it is when i want to sleep on my belly. There are so many pillow in our bed now that i have a hard time knowing if denis is even in the bed with me... So we try to have time each night without the pillows so it isn't like we are sleeping alone. It doesn't help that the man needs his own body pillow as well. aka: the mistress.
Things i am looking forward to:
My baby showers
Birthing classes
Our next ultrasound appointment
Getting her room ready
Kissing her little face.
Watching Denis hold her for the first time.
Being a mom
That's where I'm at. 29 weeks pregnant. Monday we leave for our "Babymoon." Our last trip just the two of us.....even though technically she is with us. She is just really easy to handle right now. :)
Seeing how time is just flying by i thought i would give a little bit of a pregnancy update cause before i know it, she will be here! Don't think there will be much time for blogging once our little one arrives. (but I'll do my best, mom)
Here is an overview of being a human slow cooker for the past 7 months:
First Trimester:
How i told denis: To make a long story short...it was a Sunday and i was really sick. just didn't feel right all day and ended up throwing up in the evening while Denis was out with Larry for dinner. I asked him to come home since i didn't like being alone when i was sick. He walked in the door and asked me to take a pregnancy test. I refused. I was so sick of taking them and i didn't have any in the house anyway (purposely). I tried convincing him i just had a little bug and that i all i needed was soup and Gatorade. So he drove to the store, picked up soup, Gatorade and SIX pregnancy tests. There was no convincing this man otherwise, so against my will, i peed on those ridiculously expensive sticks! :) I put it on the window sill while i washed my hands. When i picked it back up just 60 seconds later and there were 2 bright pink lines. First reaction= freak out. i thought "i have to push this thing out!" second reaction= pure joy. a feeling i can't describe. Third reaction= dang it, i have to go in there and tell denis he was right. And that is just what i did. I walked into the living room where denis was listening to Stevie Wonder (so fitting)...he looked up and smiled (like he just knew) and i told him he was going to be a dad. He FREAKED and started saying "i knew it!" I crawled up on his lap and we just held each other. I wish i could have frozen that moment in time. We laid around on the couch the rest of the evening dreaming about our little baby.
Her first Nickname: Olive-- given by Rachel, Christy and then again by Meghan Moody. The reason behind the name, because she was only the size of an olive when we started telling people we were expecting. I loved it, Denis hated it. Never once called her Olive.
Favorite Food: nothing. absolutely nothing. i lost all sense of hunger and eating was a form of torture. I would cry at the thought of it.
Favorite memory: Seeing her for the first time. We had our first ultrasound at 10 weeks. Seeing her little self up on that screen was breath taking. watching her move....wow. i still am in awe of it all.
Least favorite memory: having to sleep downstairs for a month because the upstairs of our apartment made me sick...sounds weird...but it was true. and my incredible hubby slept next to me on our lounge just so he could be in the same room as me!
Things i avoided: The smell of coffee and anything from a cow (besides milk...which i drank ALL the time...) Both made me gag until i threw up. And of course, coffee and steak are 2 of denis's favorite things. I am so thankful for an understanding husband.
Hardest part: Having "night" sickness. I was fine all day. I was sick from 6pm to 7am.... like clockwork... but i did help that i wasn't sick at work or church. so that was a perk.
Second Trimester:
My first trimester i had convinced myself that i would never get pregnant again. My doctor promised me that i would start feeling better by week 14. I prayed he was right.
he was. at 14 weeks and 1 day, everything changed. Life was easier. Sleeping was possible. eating was...well...i never did regain my hunger, but when i had to eat, it was easier.
Favorite food: Pizza. (but that was no different than the last 28 years of my life) I also loved Raisin Bran. I would eat it every night for dinner.
Favorite Memory: Finding out she was a "she." Leading up to our ultrasound i was starting to get second thoughts about finding out. i just wasn't sure i wanted to know. But denis NEEDED to know (he is the planner of our family. he read all the books, got the weekly updates and researched everything before we registered..not your normal dad!). She didn't cooperate very well at our ultrasound. it look our tech a while to figure the sex out since she had her little lets tightly crossed. My little lady :) But when she said GIRL...my eyes filled with tears and i just stared at Denis trying to get a read on him. "i have a daughter" is all he said. it was all he needed to say. love him. I would also have to say that feeling her move is at the top of my favorites list. Now that she is bigger, it feels so incredibly crazy. but i still love it so much. Denis said i won't be saying that when i am 38 weeks pregnant and trying to sleep.
Least favorite memory: All the worrying. i shut down before every dr's appointment cause i was sure i would go in and get bad news. but with every visit the good reports kept coming. now i actually look forward to seeing the dr. (who we LOVE...we our dr. specifically so we could deliver at Unity. He is awesome. Denis and I are so pleased...).
Things I avoided: people's birthing stories. for me, ignorance is bliss. I keep telling myself that my body knows what to do, and my doctor knows what to do....there are only a few people i have asked... and even then, i don't go for the whole story. Amy has told me the most and i only pray i am as strong as she was through it all. I will have Denis take pointers from someone besides John though :) JUST KIDDING JOHN! (Arby's)
Hardest Part: having people ask me if this is my first....never quite sure how to answer that...
Third Trimester:
I have only been in my third trimester for a week now. That is still freaking me out a bit. I was telling Amy the other day that i am going to miss being pregnant. It is something i have grown to LOVE. The only time i feel "bothered" by it is when i want to sleep on my belly. There are so many pillow in our bed now that i have a hard time knowing if denis is even in the bed with me... So we try to have time each night without the pillows so it isn't like we are sleeping alone. It doesn't help that the man needs his own body pillow as well. aka: the mistress.
Things i am looking forward to:
My baby showers
Birthing classes
Our next ultrasound appointment
Getting her room ready
Kissing her little face.
Watching Denis hold her for the first time.
Being a mom
That's where I'm at. 29 weeks pregnant. Monday we leave for our "Babymoon." Our last trip just the two of us.....even though technically she is with us. She is just really easy to handle right now. :)
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