"You don't need strength to let go of something. What you need is understanding" -Guy Finley
Before you continue reading I ask one simple thing: Don't judge me.
Last week something happened that made me question a lot. One event sent me on a emotional and mental spiral that I am still trying to pull myself out of.
I have always battled with fear. It is a flaw in my emotional makeup. But the moment I found out that I was going to be a mother, a whole new list of fears etched itself into my mind and worry made itself at home in my heart.
Fears such as:
will i lose this baby?
will there be something seriously wrong?
will labor be unbearable? :)
will my doctor be there to deliver?
will I go into labor while driving, or teaching, or God forbid while leading worship? ( this was my silliest and most selfish of the fears)
and the list went on. But April 26th came. Norah arrived. I didn't lose her. She was given a complete bill of health. Labor was...bearable... :) My doctor wasn't there, but she was born anyway! I went into labor in the safety and the quietness of my own home with my husband safely beside me and he was the greatest birthing coach the world has ever seen.
but the moment she was born, the previous list was erased and a new one quickly took it's place. This list was significantly longer and seemed much more urgent and in need of great attention.
what if she stops breathing?
what if she won't eat?
what if she is diagnosed with a fatal disease?
what if i drop her?
what if i lock her in the car and can't get her out?
what if i fall down the stairs while holding her?
what if i can't get her to stop crying?
what if someone takes her?
what if she doesn't like me?
what if I'm a bad mom?
what if? what if? WHAT IF?
they ring in my ear every second of the day! most of the time they are drowned out by Norah's laughter.... or cries :). other times they are silenced by Denis whispering in my ear "you're an incredible mom" Other times they just don't matter because life is asking me to live it and live it to it's fullest potential. Fear and worry are not meant to be life's companions.
but last week... i faced one of those fears. looked at it dead in the face and it paralyzed me.
I locked Norah in the car. I still don't know exactly HOW it happened...but it happened none the less.
I walked outside (of my house) with Norah, purse and diaper bag in tow, and I pulled out my keys and pressed the unlock button. I walked over the passenger side and pulled open the passenger door, threw my purse on the seat and the keys into the drivers seat. Then i shut the door. I then preceded to open up the door to the back seat, put Norah's bag on the floor and set her inside. Shut the door. I walked around to my door and pulled the handle. Locked. Tried the back seat. Locked. Panic. Walked around to Norah's door. Locked. Passenger side.... locked. Paralyzed. Then I heard the screams. Not from Norah...they were my own. "no...no...no..no" after the shock wore off I turned and ran back into the house. I was sobbing. Denis jumped up from the couch (the fastest I've ever seen him move) and looked at me waiting for an explanation of my panic. "she's in the car. she's locked in the car. i can't get her out of the car!" He took a deep breath, found his key to my car, gave it to me and I ran out to the car to unlock the door. Norah was peacefully chewing on her blanket as her mother was losing her mind. As soon as the door was locked my dam of emotions broke. I cried like i don't ever remember crying before. Denis held me and calmly reminded me that we were all ok. Norah was ok.
Once I wiped away my tears and took a million deep breaths, I assured Denis I was able to drive and that I needed to go.
On that drive I was immediately transported back a few months to a conversation i had with some of my favorite ladies. My Amy (yes I said my Amy...she's mine) :) and i were walking down Park Ave. on our way to grab coffee with my Carrie and my Ashley :). She was telling me about a post that Bethany Chase had written on her blog of when she too went through a traumatic event as a mother. I remember the girls and I having a conversation about what we would do if tragedy struck our family. What if something happened to our babies? What if something happened to our husbands? Where would that leave the status of our hearts towards our Maker? It was after remembering that conversation that right there in my car, with Norah still peacefully unaware of my fear-come-reality moment, that I started giving God ultimatums. "If you take Norah from me then I'll.... If you take Denis from me then I'll.... If you take my parents or siblings from me then I'll...." I was never able to finish any of those sentences... but I felt like I was getting my point across. "God...You know I would be unable to go on living if you ever took one of them from me." Then right there, I felt the slightest yet most urgent nudge from the Lord reminding me of this one thing. "They don't belong to you."
This silenced me.
It isn't my job to protect Norah. It is my job to trust in the One who can. And I will gladly be His hands and feet in order to successfully keep Norah safe while we live life side by side.
God NEVER promised me that He wouldn't give me more than I can handle. But He did promise that Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. I will rest in that and pray that this, above all, will silence my fears and replace them with peace.
I know I am not perfect. I am hopelessly flawed. But I will remain constantly aware that the name of the Lord is a strong tower...the righteous run into it...and they are safe.
oh... and i will also remain constantly aware of where my keys are :)
